Bottled Up Secret Read online

  More silence, but at least the radio is on to defuse it. I try to think of something—anything—to say, but I’m stumped. The car ride is short, so before I know it, Mark is turning onto my street. He ends the silence this time.

  “Well, enjoy the rest of your break, Brendan.”

  “Thanks, you too. Thanks for driving.”

  “Yeah, no problem. I’m sure I’ll see you next week at school.”

  “Sounds good,” I say as he pulls into my driveway. “Later.”

  I step out of the car and head inside my house. I’m not tired at all, but after saying a quick hello to my dogs sleeping in the laundry room, I go to bed.

  Chapter Six

  I wake up the next day with three text messages: one from Kara asking me to call her when I wake up to give her more details about the night before, one from Natalie saying that she’s over Mark because she doesn’t think he’s into her, and one from Mark. My normal reaction when I see a text from Mark is excitement, and while I get some of that, this time I’m more curious what it says than anything else.

  His text reads, “Hey Brendan, I don’t know how I came across last night, and I just want you to know that I’m flattered by what you told me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, and I’m happy that you were willing to share that with me.”

  I stare at the text but have no reaction. It’s a sweet gesture and shows that he really does want to remain friends, but either my sleep or the new year has given me clarity. I’m not going to get my hopes up over this. I don’t want to talk about it with him anymore. Maybe I even need some distance to get over him. Without much thinking, I craft a response: “Thanks Mark. I’m glad it’s off my chest and we’re still cool.” Short, to the point, and honest.

  After brushing my teeth and getting dressed, I shut my bedroom door and call Natalie to get more details about her text.

  “Hello?” she says in a full voice.

  “Whoa, you’re up? I was ready to leave a funny voicemail.”

  “Yeah, remember my family comes over every year on New Year’s Day? I’m getting ready for that.”

  “Oh yeah. Can you talk? I got your text.”

  “Ugh, yes. Okay, first off, I haven’t had that much hope these past couple weeks with Mark because he is just so hot and cold.”

  “Okay, Katy Perry.”

  “I knew you were going to reference her.”

  I laugh. “Sorry, go on.”

  “So last night, it was more of the same. I barely spoke to him. And when you guys were at my house, I didn’t feel any romantic vibes whatsoever. I feel like I’m the one pursuing; it’s completely one-sided. We’ve been hanging out for over a month now, and there’s been no progress.”

  It’s so hard not to share with her my New Year’s Eve experience with Mark. That’s okay; I probably shouldn’t dwell on it anyway.

  “So, do you not want to hang out with him anymore?” I ask. “Will he no longer be invited out with us?” I’m anxious to hear her answer. I know it would be easier for her and me if we stopped seeing Mark altogether, but it’s hard to imagine that.

  “I don’t know,” she says. “I’m not that devastated because it wasn’t like a legit relationship. More like a crush that has lasted too long.”

  “Right.”

  “And Chris was friends with him long before I met him, so I wouldn’t stop him from inviting Mark somewhere. I’m just not going to do it.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense.”

  “Hold on,” she yells to her mom or dad in the background. “Sorry, I should get back to preparing for this party, but text me if you want to stop by later.”

  “Okay, cool. Bye!”

  I eat some breakfast and finish my third task of the day by calling Kara to give her a rundown of last night in more detail.

  “So, you’re okay?” she asks after I finish unleashing on her.

  “I am.”

  “Good. Well, I’m sure you’ll feel better as time goes on.”

  “Agreed. So I was thinking,” I continue, “and I think I need to tell everyone else I’m gay ASAP.”

  “Yeah, I think so too. New year…”

  “New year, new me,” I say in a sarcastically energetic voice. “Should I try to do it this weekend? I know Kelly is out of town next weekend and I really want to do it all at once with everyone there.”

  “Dinner tomorrow night?” Kara asks.

  “Why not? I could try to arrange it. I just want to get it over with.”

  “Let’s do it. I’m sure everyone is free.”

  I spend the rest of the day making calls to my closest friends, trying to act as casual as possible about this “coming out” dinner. Reese, Kelly, and Chris are all confirmed. The only one left is Natalie. I wait until nighttime to call her so that I don’t interrupt her family party.

  “Can I bring Billy?” Natalie asks. “He came to the party today and mentioned hanging out tomorrow.” Her neighbor joins us in our outings once in a blue moon. Of course tomorrow night is the night she wants to hang out with him.

  “Um, let’s just have it be the six of us,” I say in the nicest way possible.

  “Wha—seriously?”

  “Yeah. You’ll see why.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s a surprise. Just trust me.” Oh good. Now I’m painting my coming out as a fun event that will thrill her.

  “You’re so weird. Fine,” she says, giving up.

  *

  The next day, I’m surprised to find I’m not really nervous about tonight. I feel very fortunate to have a group of friends I know will accept me for who I am. Some might expect a place like Ohio to have people who are very closed-minded and not accepting of others’ differences. I know that may be true in some parts of the state but where I live, I think people are pretty accepting—at least people my age.

  I’ve gotten a taste of what it’s like to tell someone I’m gay with Kara and even Mark. Each time I do it, the weight on my shoulders gets a little lighter. After tonight, I’ll feel as light as a feather.

  Forget what I said about not being nervous. By the time my friends and I sit down at dinner, I am a wreck but am trying my hardest not to show it. Based on my experience when I told Kara, I should have expected to feel this way.

  I decide to tell them after we order our dinners. You know, so they can lose their appetites right before the food arrives. I’m sitting on the inside up against the wall with Kara to my right and Natalie directly across from me. I take a deep breath and begin.

  “Hey guys, can I talk to you about something?”

  “Is this where the surprise comes in?” Natalie asks.

  I try to laugh. “Yeah, I’d say so. Okay, I told Kara something recently, and I want to share it with you guys as well. But after I do, please don’t tell anyone.” I scan the table and see them all staring intensely back at me. Chris has an ever-so-slight smile on his face, perhaps knowing what I’m about to say. “You promise?” I ask them.

  They nod in agreement. The silence continues as I fail to get any words out. I turn to look at Kara and find her staring at me expressionless.

  “Okay, you’re freaking me out now,” Natalie says. “Is it bad?”

  “No.”

  “It’s okay, Brendan,” Reese says. “Just say it.”

  “Okay. I’m gay.” I lift my head up to see a mixed bag of reactions: Kelly’s eyes are wide, Reese’s nod indicates she’s not too surprised, and Natalie looks like she’ll burst into laughter at any moment.

  Chris breaks the silence. “Ugh! Yes!”

  “I’m guessing that’s not a surprise to you,” I say to him.

  “Wait, you knew?” Natalie asks Kara.

  “I told her literally a couple of weeks ago,” I say before Kara can answer. “I needed to tell someone and couldn’t handle coming out to everyone all at once yet.” The answer seems to go over fairly well, but I get a sense that Natalie and Kelly are a little annoyed.

  “How do you feel?” Reese as
ks.

  “Um, I feel good but am still trying to gauge your reactions. It’s nice to finally get it over with. What are you guys thinking?”

  “I hope this isn’t offensive, but I mean, you’re obsessed with Kelly Clarkson,” Reese says. I laugh as she continues. “So, we’ve all thought about it at one point or another, but I wasn’t sure.”

  Natalie chimes in. “Yeah, I’m not surprised that you’re gay, but I just wasn’t expecting this tonight.”

  “Kelly?” I say. She hasn’t said anything yet and seems to be the most surprised.

  “Um, yeah, similar to what they said. I’ve thought about it too, but last year, I started to doubt myself because you hadn’t come out yet. And with our group of friends, I figured if you really were gay, you would have told us by now.”

  “Well, it took me a little while to accept it. It wasn’t until March of last year.”

  “Do you have a crush on Mark?” Reese blurts out.

  I laugh. “You’re good. Yes, I do.”

  “So you and I have been competing for the same guy,” Natalie says.

  “Exactly,” I say. “And apparently neither one of us is winning.”

  She shakes her head. “I guess he’s asexual because if he doesn’t want us…”

  I laugh. “I know, right?”

  “So, who else knows?” Kelly asks.

  “No one.” Well, Mark, I think, but I don’t need to go into that right now.

  Kelly continues her questioning. “Are you going to tell your mom?”

  “No. I mean, eventually, but I can’t handle that right now. That’s why you guys can’t tell anyone.”

  “I have a question,” Reese says. “Are there any guys who are out at your school?” Chris clears his throat. “Besides Chris, sorry.”

  “Yeah,” Chris answers before rattling off a few names.

  “Are people nice to them?” Reese asks.

  “I think so,” I say. “Our school environment has gotten a lot better over the past few years. When I was a freshman, a kid in my grade called me to tell me that he was leaving the school because he was made fun of for being gay.”

  “Aw, that’s horrible.” Kelly says. “Wait, why did he call you?”

  “He wanted to thank me for being nice to him. We had a lot of classes together.”

  “So, how is it different now?” Reese asks.

  “I think the school made a conscious effort to change the atmosphere,” I say. “We did the play The Laramie Project at school this year.”

  “The only play of yours I ever missed,” Reese says.

  “That’s right. Well, the play revolves around the story of a kid who was killed for being gay. There’s no way Xavier would have done that my freshman year.”

  “You’re probably right,” Chris says. “But there are still some guys who are completely homophobic. Some of the stuff I hear…”

  “Yeah. I guess that’s the case at any school as big as ours. I mean, it’s over a thousand teenage boys. Why do you ask, Reese? Just curious?”

  “Yeah, just curious what it would be like for a gay guy at an all-guys school. Or if a girl came out at our school.”

  “Girls at our school wouldn’t care,” Natalie says. “They’re too into themselves to care about other people. Anyway, do you guys like my hair like this?”

  We all laugh. Everything is just as it was before the dinner started. Going home, I feel a huge sense of relief. All of my close friends know, and nothing has changed. Christmas break has been a little crazy, but I’m glad that it has ended this way.

  Chapter Seven

  The first week back from break is rough. Final exams are coming up, so that has added to my stress. I’m not sure why I loaded up on so many tough classes this year: AP French Literature, AP English Literature, AP Government, Honors Geometry II, Physics, and Theology. At least I have Chorus fourth period to give me a little break.

  I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about how I do considering most of the colleges to which I’ve applied have already given me their decisions. I received a decision letter from Boston College on Tuesday and it’s a yes. Schools must have mailed out a chunk of decisions on the first business day of the new year because Boston College’s letter was coupled with a rejection from Columbia. Not too shocking. That means the only school I’m waiting on now is Notre Dame, but honestly I don’t think it will matter what they say. It’s too rural. I want to be in a city.

  I go the first three days of the week without seeing Mark at school. Detoxing from him feels good. I need a little separation to help me move on. Then maybe he and I can continue our friendship. On Thursday, my detox ends.

  After my last class of the day, I walk into the courtyard area of my school and see him standing by a bench, chatting with Chris. I normally just meet Chris at my car but when I spot them, I decide to stop and talk. Any hopes I had of getting over him quickly were extinguished about one minute into the conversation.

  “Chris told me about Boston College,” Mark says. “Congrats.”

  “Oh, thanks. Yeah, I’m excited.”

  “I’d prefer you a little closer,” Chris says, “so that I don’t go totally crazy during my senior year here, but whatever.”

  “I still might end up at Ohio State. That’s close enough for weekend trips. And Reese and Kelly will be there.” He doesn’t seem satisfied. “And you’ll still have Mark here.”

  “Yeah, and I’m all for taking road trips to visit Brendan,” Mark tells Chris before smiling at me. Yep, definitely not over him.

  “Yeah, Boston’s only a…nine-hour drive?” I say.

  “Ugh,” Chris says. “Just keep me in mind when you make your decision.”

  “Of course.”

  During our conversation, my former crush, Dave Nelson, walks up and joins us. He and Chris start talking about something, but Mark and I are clearly on the outside of the conversation. I don’t mind; I just continue to stare at them to avoid Mark.

  “So how’s your week going?” Mark quietly asks me after a few seconds of silence.

  I reluctantly turn to him. “I’m getting there. How about you?”

  “Not bad.”

  “Any soccer games this week?”

  “Yeah, I have one on Saturday on the east side.”

  “Where on the east side?”

  “Brendan, you know you won’t know where it is. It’s outside of your bubble.”

  I can’t contain my smile, the same smile I always get when he teases me. “Try me.”

  “Gates Mills.”

  “You made that up.”

  He laughs. “I prove my point.”

  “I should know these places. I used to travel every weekend for tennis tournaments.”

  “Well, you’ll have to come to one of my games sometime. It will get you more familiar with cities that are outside of a ten-mile radius of your house.”

  “Only if you come to one of my tennis matches.”

  “Only if you play tennis with me sometime, remember?”

  Why can’t he like me? We get along so well. This is torture.

  Chris finishes talking to Dave and asks if I’m ready to go. I want to continue to talk to Mark, but instead I say good-bye.

  *

  The next day, after getting home from school, I devote some time to studying. Finals begin on Monday, so I need to take advantage of all the free time I have this weekend.

  Fortunately, I’m still able to squeeze in some time with friends. Tonight we are going to my high school’s basketball game. Kara was going to hang out with her boyfriend, but Natalie guilted her into coming with us, so our entire crew of friends will be there. Over the past month, so much of my attention has been on Mark. I’m happy to not have to worry about that tonight. Before I know it, my friends and I will be off to college. I need to take advantage of the time we still have with each other.

  A couple hours later, as I’m wrapping up my studying, my phone rings. It’s Mark. Holy crap. Other than yesterday at scho
ol, I haven’t talked to him since New Year’s. I have to let it ring three times before I can catch my breath.

  “Hello?” I say.

  “Hey, Brendan.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Nothing, you?”

  “Just studying,” I say as casually as I can manage.

  “Nice. How was your week?”

  Where is this going? It can’t just be a call to catch up, right? “Kind of brutal,” I respond. “I’ll be glad when next week is over.”

  “I know, I hear you.”

  Silence. I throw my arm in the air, waiting for this conversation to go somewhere, but I’m not going to guide it. I want to wait and see where he takes it.

  “Are you going to the game tonight?” he continues.

  “Yeah, are you?”

  “Yep.” I guess Chris invited him.

  “Cool. Should be fun.”

  Silence again. Okay, was that the point of his calling? To see if I’m going to the game?

  “I have another question,” he says.

  “Go for it.”

  “How’s your New Year’s resolution coming along?”

  It takes me a couple of seconds to remember our conversation with Chris and Natalie at the New Year’s party.

  “Oh, about being more brave?” I ask. “Actually, it’s going really well so far. How about yours? Open to new things?” I say in a joking tone, remembering his resolution.

  “Well, that’s why I’m calling you.” More silence as my brain spins. I head upstairs to my room to get privacy. “I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation on New Year’s,” he continues, “and honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot about you.” I stop halfway up the stairs. “Are you there?”

  I nod before saying, “Yes.”

  I quickly climb the remaining steps and speed walk to my room, shutting the door behind me. My adrenaline is pumping too hard for me to sit down, so I pace back and forth across my room.

  “Well, I’ve been trying to sort out my thoughts this past week,” he says, “and I’m still confused and trying to figure it all out, but what I do know is that I have so much fun when I hang out with you. And also, I’m really attracted to you.” His voice gets quiet as he finishes his declaration.