Bottled Up Secret Read online

  Late in the afternoon, my phone rings, which prompts my usual delusional response: Maybe it’s Mark. I’m shocked to find that today is my lucky day.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Brendan.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Not much. You excited for the party?”

  “Heck, yeah.”

  “Natalie mentioned that you are stopping by her place beforehand,” he says. “Do you know what time you’re going? I was going to go too.”

  I didn’t know that Natalie invited Mark as well. I guess even with the issues that they’ve had the past couple weeks, she hasn’t given up on him.

  “I was going to get there at eight-ish and then head to the party at nine,” I tell him. “What are you thinking?”

  “That works. Do you know what you’re doing for dinner? Want to get a bite to eat before we go there?”

  Holy crap. A one-on-one hang-out with Mark? I’ve always wanted to hang out with him alone, but I’ve never gotten the opportunity. And I’ve sure as hell never had the courage to ask him to hang out.

  “For sure,” I say. “Where do you want to go?”

  “As if we could go anywhere but Applebee’s.”

  I laugh. “Are you sure? I swear there are other places I like.”

  “Yeah, it’s right by Natalie’s. I can just pick you up. No need for both of us to drive tonight.”

  “Okay, sweet,” I say. “Seven?”

  “Perfect. See you then.”

  Wow. This night just got a whole lot more exciting. Any other time I’ve hung out with Mark, other people were around. Tonight is just the two of us, like a date.

  A few hours later, Mark pulls into my driveway. I run out to his car like a giddy kid, but manage to compose myself before opening the passenger door.

  “Hey, Mark.”

  “Look at that timing,” he says, pointing to the dashboard clock that reads seven.

  “I know. You’re so prompt.” I immediately notice Christmas music playing on the radio. “Christmas music still? Mark, Christmas is like three hundred and sixty days away.”

  He laughs. “In my book, Christmas music is acceptable for another five hours.”

  “All right, fair enough.”

  Going into the dinner, I was afraid my nerves would get the best of me. I pictured the two of us running out of stuff to talk about ten minutes into the meal, and then realizing that my feelings for him were nothing more than a crush.

  Fortunately, toward the end of dinner, the conversation and laughter are still constant. It feels so natural, and it’s as if I’ve escaped into a secret world where it’s just him and me. I can’t stop smiling until he asks me something that makes my stomach drop.

  “So, what do your parents do?”

  He doesn’t know my dad passed away, and it’s always a little awkward when I have to tell someone. I decide to simply answer the question and see if the topic of my dad comes up.

  “My mom doesn’t work,” I say. “Someone had to raise all of us kids. And my dad was a doctor.”

  “Cool. Wait, ‘was’?” Is he retired or…?”

  Crap, I thought I was in the clear. “He actually passed away when I was younger.”

  “Oh man, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “No worries.”

  “I can’t even imagine going through that.”

  I nod. “Yeah, it was very surreal.”

  “Can I ask how he passed away?”

  “Heart attack.”

  “Gosh, so it was sudden. You didn’t even have time to prepare.” I shake my head. “I don’t mean to keep talking about it, but how are you doing? I know it’s been years, but still…”

  “I haven’t been asked that question in a while,” I say, trying to think of how to answer. It’s touching that he cares enough to ask. “I’m good. That moment changed everything. I feel like it split my life into two parts: part one is before my dad died, part two is after. And as I get older, the two parts will get more and more disproportionate.” He nods in understanding. “But you know, with that said, you’ve probably noticed that I’m a very happy, upbeat person, and I have a very optimistic attitude.”

  “I have noticed that,” he says, smiling. “And can I say how admirable it is that you could go through something like that and remain this nice, positive person?”

  “Thanks.” I use the following moment of silence to change the topic of conversation. “All right, can I lighten the mood? I have a question for you.”

  “I’m ready…”

  “What’s the deal with you and Natalie?” I’ve been wondering how he really feels about her for the past month. I figure now that we are alone and comfortable with each other, I might as well take a shot and ask.

  “What do you mean?” he says in a perfectly innocent tone.

  “Do you like her or are all of her efforts futile? And I promise I won’t tell her anything that you tell me.”

  I can tell he’s debating whether to trust me or not. His answer tells me that he does. “I did like her, but I realized that we wouldn’t be good together. Nothing against her. I know you guys are close. I think I had a crush on her, and then the more I got to know her, the more I realized we’re better off as friends.”

  “I get it. That makes sense.” I’m happy to hear that he doesn’t have feelings for her, but I can’t help but be bothered that he used to. It’s my jealousy creeping in again.

  “Are you going to tell her I said that?” he asks.

  “No. I promise. I’m good at keeping secrets. You can tell me anything.”

  “Good. Speaking of Natalie,” he says, looking at his watch. “It’s five after eight. I know she won’t be ready for us, but should we get out of here?”

  “Sounds good.”

  As we stand and put our coats on, a crazy thought enters by mind: Tell him. Tell Mark you like him. The thought makes my heart and mind race as we walk to his car and I go silent. Take a chance, I think. If it backfires, you’ll be at Natalie’s in five minutes and the awkwardness will be done. I blame Kara for putting this in my head.

  He starts his car and puts it into reverse as I put on my seat belt. This isn’t going to protect me from what I might do right now.

  “Oh no. Only four hours left,” he says, referring to the Christmas music that’s playing.

  His words pull me out of my inner deliberation but, still speechless, all I can do is smile. All right, Brendan. You’re running out of time. Just decide. The words are on the tip of my tongue. I would normally think about something like this for days or weeks before deciding what to do, but who knows when I’ll be alone with him again? I deliberate for another ten seconds, hoping he doesn’t find the continued silence awkward.

  “Can I talk to you about something?” Oh my gosh. I decided.

  “Sure,” he says casually, clearly not expecting what I’m about to say. I sit in silence again. “What?” He steals a glance at me.

  “Well, first off, I didn’t plan what I’m about to say, so I’m sorry if it doesn’t come out right.”

  “Okay…”

  “But I guess it’s pretty simple,” I say, still looking forward. “Um…I…have feelings for you.” I take a quick look at him before going back to my safe place of looking out at the road. His eyes are wide but still looking forward.

  “Wow…I wasn’t expecting that,” he says.

  “I’m sorry. I know that came out of nowhere. I’ve just really liked hanging out with you this past month and especially tonight.”

  “I didn’t even know you were…”

  “I know. No one knows I’m gay except for Kara…and now you. I can’t believe I just told you.” Mark doesn’t say anything, so I continue to talk. “Look, if you don’t feel anything for me, I understand, and you don’t have to say anything right now. Once we get out of this car, we can just pretend this conversation didn’t happen. I really don’t want it to be awkward with us from now on. I just thought I’d take a chance. I’m nor
mally not this spontaneous. It’s just—” I decide to cut myself off. Otherwise, who knows how long my rambling will continue?

  After what feels like an hour but was probably only five seconds, “Look, Brendan, I think you’re really cool, and I have fun with you when we hang out, but my feelings for you are just platonic. I’m sorry.”

  I should have expected that, but my optimism didn’t prepare for me for what I’m feeling right now. It’s like a blow to the stomach and heart. I start nodding, knowing he can see me in his peripheral vision.

  I feel that there’s one more question I need to ask in order for me to remove any hope of our being together. “So, do you think you could ever feel anything for me?”

  More silence followed by, “No. I’m sorry.”

  “No, no worries. I just had to ask.”

  “So, I assume Kara’s the only one who knows how you feel about me?”

  “Yep. Look, this is very new for me,” I continue. “I’m not sure where we’re supposed to go from here, but I really would like to be friends still. I know there might be an elephant in the room every time we hang out, but I’m willing to ignore it.”

  He smiles. “I think I can do that too. Like I said, I think you’re really cool, and I like hanging out with you. That doesn’t change.”

  The longest car ride ever is over as we pull up to Natalie’s house. I guess that’s that. It didn’t go as I hoped, but I’m proud of myself. I told him how I feel. I’ll never look back at this moment and kick myself for not taking a chance.

  As we walk up to Natalie’s front door, he brings the light-hearted atmosphere back. “All right, what are the chances she’s ready?”

  “Ready?” I say. “We’re not heading to the party until nine, which means she probably hasn’t even showered yet.”

  We ring the doorbell and are greeted by Natalie’s dad.

  “Hi, Mr. Suarez,” Mark and I say.

  “Hi, guys. Come on in. Natalie’s in the shower.”

  Mark and I steal a smile at each other. We walk into the living room and have a two-on-one chat with Natalie’s dad. He’s very much a jokester and always tries to give me a hard time. His Spanish accent complements his upbeat personality. After we talk about my family, school, and college plans, Natalie finally walks downstairs. Of course she’s not ready yet but at least she’s dressed.

  “Five minutes!” she says before briskly walking past us and into the downstairs bathroom with her makeup bag.

  “Look at what you guys put up with,” Mr. Suarez says to Mark and me as he heads into the kitchen.

  “I know,” I say. “I guess she’s worth it.”

  Mark turns to me and says, “Man, you’re good with parents.”

  “No big deal.”

  “Seriously, he loves you.”

  “He knows he can trust me. I think it’s the whole ‘no drinking’ thing. Or maybe he knows I’m not a threat to his daughter.” I give Mark a wink.

  “What are you guys talking about?” Natalie yells at us from the bathroom.

  “We’re talking about how much longer we’re going to wait here before we ditch you,” I reply.

  “Four minutes,” she says.

  “Right.”

  Even though Mark rejected me not even twenty minutes ago, I’m in surprisingly good spirits. I actually feel more confident and uninhibited. I think it’s because I have nothing else to lose. I’m sure I haven’t been a hundred percent myself around him because he made me nervous and I wanted him to like me. Now? Who cares what he thinks?

  About eight—not four—minutes later, Natalie emerges from the bathroom. It’s eight-forty now, so after hanging out for just a little longer at her house, we head to the party in Mark’s car.

  After ringing our friend’s doorbell, we are greeted by her mom, who leads us down the basement. I scan the room to see who’s there and immediately notice Kara, Reese, and Kelly in the corner. It’s hard to miss Reese with her New Year’s Eve celebratory hat. I head toward them while Mark and Natalie say hi to others.

  “We need to talk later,” I whisper to Kara when the others aren’t paying attention. She looks at me, knowing what it must be about. It doesn’t take long for Kara and me to slyly break away from the others.

  To make sure Mark doesn’t suspect that we’re talking about him, I lay out some instructions for Kara. “All right, pretend we’re talking about something normal, so whatever I say, don’t act shocked or anything. And smile or laugh periodically so it looks like we’re talking about something lighthearted.”

  “Got it,” she says.

  “I told you Mark and I were going to dinner tonight.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I was nervous how it would go, just the two of us,” I say as Kara is smiling at me, following my instructions. “Well, it was perfect. I had so much fun and the chemistry was great.

  “So, we’re on our way to Natalie’s,” I continue, “and I decide to be brave and tell him how I feel about him. He was really nice about it, but he said that he only sees me as a friend.” Kara loses her smile. “I know. I mean, I guess that’s to be expected, but Kara, at dinner we had so much fun. I was flirting my butt off, and I swear he was flirting with me too.”

  “Oh, I believe it.”

  “We’re too serious. Let’s laugh,” I instruct. We both laugh before I continue. “Everything was fine at Natalie’s, but I’m just hoping I didn’t mess up our friendship.”

  “I don’t think you did. First off, he’s not the type to be freaked out about that. He was probably flattered. And second, I’m sure he recognizes that that was very brave of you to tell him, especially face-to-face…in his car…where he can’t escape.” She and I laugh again, this time genuinely.

  I’m so thankful to my friends for always making me feel better, even in sad or low points in my life. In the midst of a serious conversation, we always try to add dashes of sarcasm and humor to remind us that everything is going to be okay.

  “All right, I think we’ve talked enough for now,” I say. “Reconvene in an hour. Let’s mingle with others.”

  The night rolls along, and I’m actually having a lot of fun. Good food and good friends have really lifted my spirits. A few minutes before the clock strikes midnight, I find myself standing with Natalie and Chris, discussing New Year’s resolutions. As I do a quick scan of the room, I land on Mark. I’ve kind of been avoiding him the whole night, but at the same time have been busy talking with everyone else.

  After we lock eyes, he raises his eyebrows and flashes his smile at me. I smile back and then look down. I’m definitely still hooked, that’s for sure. To me, that smile is his way of saying that everything is okay and that nothing has to be weird. When I look back up, I see him walking my way. He slides in between Chris and me.

  “Hey, guys,” he says.

  “Hey,” we say.

  “Mark, quick—what’s your New Year’s resolution?” Chris asks.

  “Um…”

  “Stop listening to Christmas music?” I say with a slight smile.

  He laughs and looks at me. “That, and hit the gym more…” As if he needs it. “And I guess be more open to trying new things.”

  I feel my face turn into an inquisitive stare as I scrunch my forehead, but I wipe it away by the time he looks over at me. Be more open to new things? Interesting. I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to tell me something, but I let that thought escape my brain. I’m not about to get my hopes up again.

  “That’s…very broad, but okay,” Natalie says. “Brendan, your turn.”

  “I want to be more brave,” I say after a quick moment of reflection. I keep my gaze at Natalie but can see Mark looking at me in my peripheral vision. “I feel like I overthink things, and I’d rather take a chance and do something.” Fresh off my confession to Mark, I know that one of the first things I need to do next year is tell the rest of my friends that I’m gay. The longer I wait, the more pissed they’ll be that I told Kara first.

&
nbsp; “Equally broad,” Natalie says.

  “The countdown is about to start,” Chris says.

  Our heads turn toward the TV as one year ends and another begins. I feel a sense of excitement as January first officially arrives. This new year will bring a lot of changes in my life. Soon I’ll be graduating from high school, then it’s off to college. Who knows where I will watch the ball drop next year? And with whom I will watch?

  The stroke of midnight starts the gradual exit of the party guests. As Reese heads out, I debate whether I should go home with her so that I can avoid another potential awkward moment in Mark’s car, but he and I agreed to keep things normal, so I decide to stick to the plan of riding home with him. About forty-five minutes later, he, Natalie, and I leave, saying good-bye to the handful of people who are still at the party.

  As Mark turns his key in the ignition, the radio lights up, and we hear the sound of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

  “I’ll change it, I’ll change it,” Mark says, looking at me in the rearview mirror.

  “No,” I reply. “This is my favorite. It can be the last one.”

  As I stare out the window and see the light snow falling in front of the streetlights, I let my mind absorb each of the lyrics of the song, filling me with a feeling of bitter sweetness. All I want for Christmas is sitting in front of me. The song ends, but I keep my gaze out the window.

  “Change it now?” Mark asks. I snap back into reality and nod to him in the mirror.

  After we drop off Natalie, I move to the front seat and close the door. Here we are again. I decide that I will absolutely not bring “us” up on the car ride home. There’s no point, and nothing else needs to be said.

  “You have fun tonight?” I immediately ask. I try to keep my voice upbeat so as not to make him think I’m upset about our earlier conversation. I can’t fault him for being honest with me, and I don’t want him to feel bad about it.

  “Yeah, I did. You?”

  “A lot of fun, yeah.” After some silence, I add, “Only a couple more days left of freedom.”

  “I know. Monday will be a rude awakening.”