Bottled Up Secret Read online

  “Maybe. I think it’s unfair for her to punish me for having a boyfriend. I shouldn’t feel guilty for hanging out with him on the weekends.”

  “I hear you. How is everything going with you and Andrew, by the way? I know I never ask. How long have you guys been dating now?”

  “Almost a year and a half.”

  “Wow. How does that feel? I feel like a bad friend for not asking you this before. I think it’s because I never see him. I forget he’s in the picture.”

  “No worries. It’s good. It feels…serious.” I hear a shift in her voice.

  “What?”

  “I don’t know…” By this time, I’ve pulled into Kara’s driveway, but with her seat belt still fastened, she is showing no signs of getting out of the car.

  “Clearly you’re hiding something and are debating whether to tell me,” I say to her. “No pressure. Obviously I won’t tell anyone. You keep all of my secrets; I keep all of yours.”

  “Well, this might be shocking to you. It might not. Knowing you, it probably will be…”

  “Okay…”

  “A few months ago, Andrew and I had sex for the first time.”

  She’s right. It is shocking. I feel my eyes widen. “Whoa, really?”

  She nods. “This past summer. I wanted to wait until our one-year anniversary. Please don’t judge me.”

  “I’m not, I swear.”

  “I know you’re planning on waiting until marriage and obviously you see sex as a big deal, and I do too.”

  I can’t blame Kara for being worried that I might judge her. I know that’s an area where I need to work on myself. I need to realize that I shouldn’t judge someone for doing something I wouldn’t do or believing in something I don’t. It’s okay to have disagreements, even with your best friends.

  I honestly don’t judge Kara. It feels good she opened up to me about this.

  “So, how do you feel about it?” I ask.

  “I’ve had my freak-outs. I’m terrified of getting pregnant.”

  “Oh gosh.”

  “We do it very rarely.”

  “Andrew didn’t pressure you at all…”

  “No, no. Not at all. He was fine waiting as long as I wanted.”

  I’m fascinated that it’s always the girl who decides when it’s going to happen. Doesn’t the guy ever want to wait, or is he ready to have sex day one? I just wish more guys saw sex as something serious and unnecessary at our age. For once, I want a guy to break the stereotype in my head. I want him to say to his girlfriend, “I’m not ready to have sex. Let’s wait.”

  “Well, thanks for telling me,” I say.

  She nods. “You know I get in weird moods and all emotional.”

  “I love when you do. It cracks me up.”

  “Like when I tell you that I wake up crying for no reason? Is something wrong with me? Am I depressed?”

  “I don’t think so. You just overthink things.”

  “I know. The more I think about next year, the more stressed I get. Promise me we’ll stay friends.”

  “Oh my gosh, are you kidding? Don’t worry about us. We’ve been friends since first grade.”

  “I know, but will our group of friends stay the same?”

  “I guess I’d be naïve if I said yes. I don’t know. It will depend where we all end up.”

  Kara and I finish up our conversation before I watch her go into her house. It’s crazy to think how much she and I have gone through in our friendship. We’re only seventeen, but we’ve been there for each other our whole lives. The same goes for all of my other close friends. College may change things, but I feel lucky to have such a solid group of friends today. Friends with whom I will forever share some of my best memories.

  As I drive home, my thoughts naturally shift to Mark. I relive all of the interactions I just had with him tonight: our conversations, our snowball fight, our flirting.

  By the time I get home, I am filled with a happiness I’ve never felt before. Allowing myself to have feelings like this is so foreign to me. Yes, I had a crush on my friend, Dave, earlier in the year, but my feelings for Mark are much more intense. I feel like I’ve opened up a whole new door to joy and excitement.

  Chapter Four

  I’ve seen Mark at school a number of times in the past few weeks, sharing some hallway conversations with him. I’ve had a couple after-school meals with him and Chris too.

  Also, one Saturday, Mark, Natalie, Chris, and I went to the mall for some Christmas shopping. Mark offered to drive us and picked me up first, which led to the first official time that I hung out with him alone. Granted it was only for about five minutes in his car, but it was still great.

  Another night involved a bowling showdown, where Mark, Reese, and I were teamed up against the others. Reese was terrible, but we still managed to win.

  I’m excited to see how it will be with him tonight when we go to Chris’s to hang out.

  After getting there, I’m surprised to see about ten people show up. We snack in Chris’s kitchen for a little bit and then head down to the basement. Normally, I would wait to see where Mark sits down and then discreetly try to sit next to him, but this time I’m the first person to walk down the stairs, so I decide to do a little experiment.

  I immediately sit down on the end of one of the couches. When Mark walks down, I see him assess the situation before proceeding to sit right next to me. He has to scoot even closer to me as more people squeeze themselves onto the couch.

  Our proximity lends itself to an increase in flirting. Mark starts playing with these tiny figurine toys in his lap that belong to Chris’s younger brother. He then starts touching them on my leg, walking them slowly up my thigh.

  “Where are those things headed?” I ask as he moves them closer to my crotch.

  “Toward something they like, apparently. I don’t know. They’re out of my control.”

  Mark turns the toys around to have them start walking back down my leg.

  “What happened?” I ask. “Did they get scared?”

  “Yeah, they were intimidated.”

  “Something big was blocking their way?”

  He laughs, shaking his head. “Exactly. Too big to get past.”

  Immediately after that, Mark starts joking around with our friend, Beth, who is sitting on the other side of him. He places one of the toys on her arm and starts walking it up, just as he did on my leg.

  “Mark, stop,” Beth says. “I feel like I’m suffocating. Scoot over.”

  Mark turns his body toward her and places both his legs on top of hers. “Is this better?” I can tell he’s in a very playful mood tonight.

  Beth laughs. “I’m going to kill you.” She picks up his legs and tosses them onto my lap. “There. Much better.”

  “Fine. I like Brendan better than you anyway,” Mark says.

  “I can tell. You two have a crush on each other.”

  I’m caught so off guard by Beth’s words that I don’t say anything. She doesn’t even know I’m gay, let alone that I have feelings for Mark. Am I that obvious? I swear I’m subtle when it comes to my behavior around him. I’m reading too far into it; it’s probably just a joke.

  “Oh yeah,” Mark says. “Brendan and I are dating. We didn’t tell you?”

  “Really? How long have you been dating?” Beth asks, playing along.

  “How long has it been?” Mark asks me, his legs still in my lap.

  I look at my watch. “A couple hours.”

  “Sounds serious,” Beth says.

  “Yeah, it’s been moving pretty fast,” Mark says.

  The joking ends as he sits upright again, but it’s enough to make my head spin. I’ve been thinking about all the times Mark flirts with me or messes around like that. The fact is he doesn’t know that I’m gay. So what straight guy would repeatedly say or do these things to another supposedly straight guy? Then again, maybe he’s so comfortable with his sexuality that he’s fine joking around with me, knowing that it’s a
ll in good fun.

  Toward the end of the night, he revives his joke one more time when no one else is listening.

  “So, when are we going on our first date?” he asks.

  “I’m free anytime. Just tell me when.”

  He smiles at me. “When was the last time you went on a date with someone?”

  “I never have, really. I haven’t dated anyone since sixth grade.”

  “What? A guy as great as you. How is that possible?”

  “I guess I just haven’t found someone I’m interested in.”

  “Who was the last person you liked?”

  “Oh gosh,” I say, blushing.

  “Look at you. You get so uncomfortable.” He grabs my shoulders and shakes them like he did the first night I met him. “Loosen up, Brendan.”

  “I’m in the hot seat.”

  “I’m just curious.”

  “I’ll just say that hopefully I’ll meet someone I click with—someone who feels the same way about me as I feel about them.” Like you, I think.

  I feel that this is a perfect time to ask Mark about his ex-girlfriend, Amy, but before I have the chance to do so, Chris interrupts us.

  *

  It’s one week before Christmas and today is the day. And apparently Caribou Coffee shop is the place. I guess it’s as good as any spot for coming out. It’s actually a decision I haven’t given much thought to. The timing finally feels right. And with Kara’s recent revelation to me about her and Andrew, I want to be able to share something just as private with her.

  With two hot chocolates sitting on the table in front of me, I try to calm my nerves as I wait for her to arrive. I know that she will be completely supportive, but it’s not her reaction that I’m afraid of. It’s been about nine months since I admitted to myself that I’m gay, and since then, the secret has been mine to control. But today I am releasing that secret into the world.

  Staring out the window, I suddenly see Kara’s tan Corolla pull into the parking lot. My heart was jogging before; now it’s sprinting. I have what I’m going to say all planned out, but as I try to remember it, my brain seems to go to mush. Kara opens the door, scans the coffee shop, and sees me sitting at a small table in the back.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I say as she approaches the table.

  “Nothing. Thanks for getting me this,” she says, referring to the drink. I texted her when I got there to ask what she wanted. I didn’t want to waste any more time ordering. “Here you go,” she says as she hands me a five-dollar bill.

  I shake my head. “My treat.”

  I don’t want to jump right into it, especially because my pulse is unhealthily high right now, so I try as best I can to have a normal conversation with her. We talk about school and vacation plans, but we both notice an unnatural element about it all. It’s finally time to tell her why I asked her here.

  “All right, I told you I needed to talk to you about something.” My pulse returns to its skyrocket level.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, well first you have to promise not to tell anyone else.”

  “Of course.”

  It’s rare for either of us to be this serious, and I think it’s freaking us out. There is no sarcastic humor, no smiling—just intensity.

  “Okay,” I continue before a long pause. “I guess I’ll just say it…I’m gay.”

  “Wow. Okay,” she says with a slight smile.

  “And you’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

  Her slight smile goes away, and we both return to our serious gazes. “Oh. Wow.” Her reaction goes from surprise to understanding. “How long have you known? I mean, when did you…accept it?”

  “In March. I actually started having feelings for Dave Nelson and, instead of suppressing them, I just let them happen.”

  Dave was another theater friend. We had some classes together, but we didn’t become close until our high school musical junior year. Of course I never had the courage to tell him how I felt, so nothing happened. Still, he helped me accept my sexuality without even knowing it. Once I let myself feel that way for another guy, I felt free. It was exciting and exhilarating.

  “Well, thanks for telling me. I’m honored to be the first one. But…are you going to tell our other friends or what?”

  “I was waiting for that question. I know I have to. Well, first off, they’re going to be pissed that I told you before them, but I would never have been able to tell five people at once. That’s too much. Especially since I’m scared that after I tell them, it’s somehow going to get back to my mom. What if they tell others? Or slip in front of their parents?”

  “I hear you, but hopefully they’ll know that it’s not their place to tell anyone, so they’ll be careful not to let it slip. But it is a risk. Actually, let’s be real. How often do any of our parents talk to your mom?”

  I laugh. “Good point. So can I tell you something else?”

  “Sure.”

  “Well, I’ve developed feelings for someone over the past month…big-time.”

  Her forehead wrinkles as she tries to figure out who my mystery crush is. “Do I know him?”

  “Mark.”

  “Oh my gosh. Duh! Okay, so you and Natalie are competing for the same guy. Good, good.”

  “Exactly.” I laugh.

  “Look, I know I haven’t had that much contact with him, but he definitely flirts with you.”

  “Thank you!”

  “Do you think he’s gay?”

  “I’ll say this…I don’t think he’s straight. Maybe he’s bi, maybe he’s gay—don’t know. I just feel like every time I flirt with him, he reciprocates. But even if he is gay, he hasn’t come to terms with it yet. That’s why he and Natalie have their little thing.”

  “Yeah, what’s going on with that? It’s not like they’re dating. Have they even kissed?”

  “Nope. I think it’s kind of stalling. She told me she’s getting more and more frustrated with the situation. Am I a bad friend for going after the guy she likes?”

  “I don’t think so. If I did it, I guess it would be a crappy thing to do. But since you’re a guy, it’s different. Wow, what a double standard.”

  I laugh. “Seriously.”

  “I mean, he either likes girls or guys,” Kara continues. “So it’s not really a competition between you and Natalie.”

  “Unless he’s bisexual.”

  “Like Chris was bisexual a couple years ago,” she says jokingly. “I have an idea. Just tell Mark you like him and see what happens.”

  “I love when you give me bold advice like that. You can live vicariously through me, and if it fails, there’s no skin off your back.”

  She laughs. “True, I do do that. But in all honesty, you should at least consider it. If you really feel there’s a chance he likes you back, it might be worth it.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I just know how safe you play things, and I get that. I do the same thing. But lately I’ve seen the value in taking risks and not worrying.”

  “For example?”

  “Well, I haven’t necessarily practiced what I’m preaching. Actually, here’s an example…I plan to major in journalism next year and am looking for schools that have strong programs. What if I change my mind in a year, and I’m stuck at a random school that only drew me there because of my choice of major?”

  “Yeah, what if that does happen?”

  “I’ll figure it out. But I can’t see into the future, so I’m not going to let that worry me. I think that journalism is a good fit for me. Therefore, I’ll focus on getting into the top programs for that.”

  “How random are some of these schools?” I ask.

  “University of Missouri, University of Maryland, Syracuse.”

  “Okay, yeah, you’ve mentioned those.”

  “Yeah. They’re schools that I would never consider if I were to major in business or something.”

  “Speaking of majoring in business, do you think that’s a good choice for
me?”

  “I do. You’ve always been a math and science person, so I think those skills are a good fit for business, which involves accounting, and numbers, and all that.”

  “Yeah, I just don’t know if I’d like a boring corporate job.”

  “Are you still considering going pre-med?” Kara asks.

  “I don’t want to put all my eggs in that basket, so I’m thinking I might stick with business, but then try to do all of the pre-med classes as well in case I decide to go to med school.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “I know. It would be a lot. Who knows?”

  “We’ll figure it out.”

  “You know what’s cool?” I say. “You now know that I’m gay but nothing has changed. We’re talking about college just like we have been all year.”

  “Of course nothing’s changed. We’re still the same people with the same friendship that we’ve had for years. Things won’t change when you tell everyone else either.”

  “By the way, what did you think when I asked you to meet me today?”

  “Two things. Either you’re gay, or you’re in love with me and thought we’d end up together, but now that I’ve had sex, you’re done.” I laugh. “I’m happy it was the former.”

  Well, I guess that’s it. One down, plenty to go. It’s a very invigorating way to start Christmas break. Now that that’s out of the way, I have to mentally prepare myself for another week of family time.

  Chapter Five

  Major holidays like Christmas tend to evoke memories of my dad. As a result, I’m usually in a sad mood when Christmas comes—remembering what it was like before he passed away, when I was too naïve to know how great I had it. Needless to say, I was happy to get the holiday over with as fast as possible.

  New Year’s Eve, on the other hand, is a holiday I’ve always liked. It’s fun to look back at the year, reliving my favorite memories and perhaps burying the ones I’d like to forget. This year has been a good one for me, filled with self-growth and so many fun times with friends.

  To celebrate the stroke of midnight tonight, I will be going to a theater friend’s party. I haven’t seen some of my close friends since before Christmas, so I’m excited. I told Natalie that I’d stop by her place before the party to hang out.