Bottled Up Secret Read online

  At about six, I find myself in a familiar place—Chris’s driveway. I’m playing chauffeur again, but I don’t mind. Chris walks out of his house with a bag, presumably containing a change of clothes for the cast party tonight.

  A few minutes after starting the drive to our school, I get a call from my sister, Sarah.

  “Hello?” I answer.

  “Brendan, hey.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Oh, nothing. Are you on the way to your show?”

  “Yep.”

  “Are you excited?”

  “Very.”

  “Good. I’m sure it will be great. Well, I don’t really know how to say this, but Mom wanted me to call you because, you know, some of the aunts and uncles are coming to see your show tonight…”

  “Yeah…”

  “And she doesn’t…well, after the show, she doesn’t want you to…hug any of your guy friends.”

  What. The. Hell. I don’t even say anything to her because I’m so pissed and confused. How is this conversation even happening right now?

  “Okay?” she says after I stay silent.

  “Okay,” I say sternly. “Later.” I hang up before she can say anything else.

  Any excitement that I was feeling has disappeared. My stomach is now in knots for very different reasons.

  “Everything okay?” Chris asks before I tell him what my sister said.

  “What?” he exclaims. “Brendan, I’m sorry, no offense, but what is wrong with your mom? Who does that? Having your sister call you and—oh my gosh, my blood is boiling for you right now.”

  “Why does this have such an effect on me?” I ask. “I shouldn’t be surprised. I was just so excited for tonight, and I know this is all I’ll be able to think about now.”

  “I’m sorry, Brendan. Why didn’t you talk back to your sister? Or better yet, why don’t you call your mom and tell her how ridiculous she’s being?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I find those conversations so uncomfortable I’d rather not have them. The awkwardness with my mom lasted for weeks after I told her I’m gay. I’d rather not even address it.”

  “Well, try to let it go, then. Think of how great the show is and how much people will love it.”

  “You’re right. It bothers me because I know this is about something much bigger. Having my relatives see me hug a guy might make them think that I’m gay. God forbid.”

  “God forbid they see the real you.”

  “Did your parents do stuff like this after you came out?” I ask Chris.

  “No,” he quickly says. “They weren’t happy about it, but they came around pretty quickly and supported me. I can’t believe your mom would have your sister do that, knowing that you’re so excited for tonight. Did she not think that would bring you down?”

  “No, because she’s thinking about herself right now. She doesn’t want my relatives to question my sexuality, so she is going to make sure nothing tips them off tonight. She doesn’t care if that upsets me.”

  “And since when does hugging a guy make you gay? It’s so stupid.”

  “I know. Hugging girls certainly doesn’t make me straight.”

  Chris and I continue to vent during our commute. Getting ready backstage for the show helps remove most of the lingering feelings I had regarding Sarah’s phone call. I was not going to let this get me down the whole night. My mom wasn’t okay with my being gay a couple months ago, and she’s not okay with it today. Maybe that will change in the future; maybe it won’t. I can’t let it have such an effect on me.

  The orchestra starts the overture at eight, and I hear the audience applaud. The energy stays high for the next two hours. The show goes great. Everyone’s voice was in shape, the dances were in sync, and the jokes were perfectly delivered. The only mishap involved a set piece that fell mid-scene. At least the audience got a kick out of it.

  After the show, I keep my hugging of boys to a minimum. I greet my mom and sister, but I don’t say much more than hi to them. The telltale sign that I’m angry or upset is silence. I don’t purposely do it, but I get so pissed off that I don’t want to talk. My family received an extreme case of the silent treatment that night.

  Chapter Seventeen

  In my hands is my signed college acceptance letter. I have made a decision. At least I think I did. My fingers won’t let me release the sealed envelope into the post office mailbox until I’m absolutely certain. I’ve spent countless hours debating this decision. I relax my fingers and watch the envelope disappear into the dark bin. I feel a sense of relief and excitement. Yes, this feels right. Next year I will be attending Ohio State.

  Georgetown would be great and is in an amazing city, but I have the rest of my life to live in a big city like DC. I want to stay in Ohio for four more years and then will, no doubt, be ready for a big change when I graduate. Plus, my full academic scholarship to OSU was just too hard to pass up.

  *

  With a group of friends as big as mine, we always seem to be celebrating someone’s birthday. Tonight is Chris’s, and he is having a low-key party at his house with his close friends. Yep, that includes Mark.

  I knew it was going to happen eventually. After all, Chris knows nothing about my history with Mark, so he wouldn’t think twice about inviting him. I’m actually surprised I was able to avoid a run-in with him for this long. But after almost two months, this Friday is the first time I will be seeing him in a non-school setting.

  I thought about not showing up so I don’t have to face him, but I’m actually feeling a lot better about the whole situation. It’s a matter of months until I go off to college, and it would be a waste to spend that time moping around, reminiscing about our time together. I’d rather focus on creating some of the best memories with my closest friends, starting with tonight.

  I’m not sure how it will go, but I’m going to make sure I look darn good. If Mark doesn’t miss me right now, he will after seeing me. I like this revengeful yet somewhat pathetic side—Brendan with a little edge.

  Fortunately, more people are at Chris’s than I expected, so I’m able to mingle with everyone, making it easier to avoid Mark. He and I exchange hellos when he arrives, mainly because I don’t want anyone to notice awkwardness between us, but it’s not until later in the night when we have our first real interaction.

  “Reese, get with Kelly,” Chris says as he pulls out his camera. “Say ‘Ohio State’ on three.”

  “Wait,” Reese says. “We need Brendan, too. Come on, B.”

  I give my corniest “Ohio State” while smiling for the camera.

  “You’re going to OSU?” Mark asks me after the picture is taken.

  “Yep.”

  “That’s awesome. When did you decide?”

  “A couple weeks ago. Right at the deadline.”

  “I would have killed him if he didn’t,” Chris says. “Mark, you still up for taking road trips with me next year?”

  “Sure,” he says, looking at me to see my reaction. I give a polite smile.

  “I don’t know if I believe you, Mr. ‘I Was Too Busy To See Your Show,’” Chris says to him.

  “Yeah, what was up with that?” Natalie says.

  “I’m sorry. I was planning to go Sunday but…”

  “But…” Chris says.

  Mark steals another glance at me before saying, “I was swamped with school work.”

  I know why he didn’t go. He didn’t want to have to stare at me for two hours. I can’t blame him. Having to see him right now is somewhat torturous for me. I want nothing more than to talk to him like old times and spend the whole night laughing and flirting.

  It’s crazy how everything has changed. I guess it’s the reality of breakups. Mark and I can no longer be close to each other because it’s not healthy. Besides, no good would come from talking to him. The effect he has on me is strong, and I don’t want to risk falling into him again.

  I decide to exit the conversation before I get roped into talking to
him. I head to the sink to get some water and lose myself in my thoughts.

  “And how was that?” I hear from behind me.

  “Gah!” I exclaim, turning to see Kara. “Where did you come from?”

  “I was observing from a distance. You good?”

  “I’m great.”

  She laughs. “That’s convincing. How dare he talk to you?”

  “I know, right?” We both subtly look across the room at him.

  “Is he going to prom tomorrow?” Kara asks.

  “Yep, he’ll be there, because one sighting just isn’t enough this weekend. At least it will be easier to avoid him at a five-hundred-person dance compared to tonight.”

  *

  The next day, I pick up Reese at six-fifteen and head to Kelly’s, where we are doing pictures. Her house is perfect for hosting, plus her mom loves it. Reese looks great in a red and white dress that she made. It’s definitely unique and matches her quirky personality.

  “Brendan, Reese, come on in,” Kelly’s mom says to us after opening the door.

  “Hi, Mrs. Freeman,” I say.

  Kelly’s mom is a character. It’s neat how open she is with her kids. No topic is off-limits, including sex. She’s also been so great to me and always manages to send me back home with leftovers, Christmas cookies, or any other food she can throw my way.

  “Don’t you guys look cute?” she says. “Reese, this is the dress you made?”

  “Yep.”

  “Oh my gosh, it’s beautiful. And Brendan, looking so handsome as usual.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I can’t tell you how excited I am for the three of you to be together at school next year. I know you’re going to make a bunch of new friends, but you’ll realize how special your friendships are with each other. It’s that Catholic bond, I’m telling you.”

  “Well, I’ve gone to school with Kelly for thirteen years,” Reese says. “Thought I might as well make it seventeen.”

  “Isn’t that wild?” Mrs. Freeman says. “Brendan, what are you studying next year? I don’t even think I asked.”

  “Business, for now.”

  “Well, listen, you are smart enough to do anything, but let me tell you, I think the priesthood might be calling you.”

  “Dear God, Mom,” Kelly says as she appears from her foyer. “Brendan, ignore her.”

  “You’d be great in business too,” Mrs. Freeman reassures me. “But you have that spirit within you that would make a great priest. I’m just saying.”

  “Thank you,” I say. “We’ll see what happens.”

  After everyone gets to Kelly’s, we go outside to pose in front of her picturesque garden. We do the typical “stand and smile” pictures, followed by the awkward school dance poses, and end with my favorite—model shots.

  “Have fun, everyone,” Kelly’s mom says as we get ready to leave. “Remember, no drinking and no sex.”

  “Mom,” Kelly says.

  “I have a breathalyzer and am not afraid to use it.” Gosh, I love her.

  Arriving at the dance, we walk in to find the ballroom decorated with silver and navy streamers and a large sign that reads, “A Moment Like This.”

  “Wait, is that the theme?” I ask Reese, pointing to the sign.

  “Yeah, I didn’t tell you? Kelly Clarkson.”

  “Amazing. Tonight’s got to be a good night with that theme.”

  “Yeah, last year was ‘One Moment in Time.’ They finally moved to the current century.”

  “Is it a requirement that the word ‘moment’ be in the theme?” I ask.

  “Knowing our student council, probably.”

  We all enjoy a delicious dinner at our table. I want to scan the room to see who else I know at the dance, but I don’t want to risk locking eyes with Mark. I maintain my tunnel vision as I continue to chat with everyone.

  After dinner, my friends and I are among the first to go on the dance floor. It doesn’t take long for me to spot a blue-eyed dirty blond about fifty feet away. I quickly turn away before he sees me. Operation Avoid Mark has officially begun. Don’t look, I keep telling myself. Of course all I want to do is look.

  I do my best to keep my focus on my friends. We keep dancing, taking turns going out to take our official prom pictures.

  When Reese and I come back into the auditorium, I notice that Chris and Natalie are missing. I look across the room and see them talking to Mark. This is actually good. They are able to catch up with him and then rejoin our group, allowing me to bypass any interaction with him.

  “You look so handsome tonight,” Kelly says to me as Reese and I sit down at our table.

  “Wow, thanks.”

  “Seriously, you clean up so nicely.”

  “If I had good fashion sense, I could look like this more often.”

  “No, I like your style,” Reese says. “Casual hotness.”

  I laugh. “That’s exactly what I’m going for. Kara, where’s Andrew?”

  “Talking to his friends over there.”

  “I take it you and Natalie are cool?” Kelly asks.

  “Oh God, yeah. We fight, then act like nothing happened. But she’s probably talking about me to Chris right now, saying how Andrew is abandoning me at my own dance.”

  “It’s all good,” I say. “That just means you can abandon him at Xavier’s dance and hang out with us.”

  Toward the end of the night, I think that I’m in the clear from having to talk to Mark. Until, that is, I walk out of the bathroom and see him standing against the wall alone, staring at me. I’m caught so off guard that I stop in my tracks. Did he see me go to the bathroom and decide to wait outside for me?

  He gives a slight smile before saying, “Hi, Brendan.” I hate how good he looks.

  “Hey, Mark. Having fun?”

  He nods. “Did you get stage fright in there?” He’s referencing my inability to go to the bathroom in public restrooms. I’ve always found the silence and close proximity so awkward. Often times, I am physically unable to go. I’m weird.

  “I was good this time,” I say. “The music was loud enough.”

  I feel my legs walk again, seemingly out of my control. I give him a smile before looking down and walking past him. I’m about to step foot into the ballroom but he stops me with his voice.

  “Wait, Brendan.” I pause for a second before turning to him, my heartbeat reacting as it always does with Mark. “How have you been? I didn’t really get a chance to talk to you last night.”

  “Good. Busy.”

  “How’s tennis going?”

  “It’s good. Our team is pretty solid this year.”

  “And I’m sure you’re undefeated this season,” he says, smiling.

  “Of course.” I try to smile back but don’t feel like faking it. “How’s everything with you?” I don’t really want to hear how his life has been, but I ask to be polite.

  “Pretty good. Soccer’s done, so I’ve had more free time.”

  “Nice. Well, I’m going to head back in.” I lean toward the door, but I can tell he wants to say something.

  “Brendan…it’s good to see you.”

  My face remains expressionless.

  “And I know this is unfair for me to say,” he continues, “but I miss hanging out with you.”

  I let out a sigh of anger and look down.

  “I know,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

  “Come on, Mark,” I say, looking back up at him. “What am I supposed to do with that? You’re right. It is unfair for you to say that. You chose how this turned out. Look, I don’t hold any resentment toward you, but you’ve got to understand that it doesn’t help when…” I trail off as I try to organize my thoughts.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “It’s just…last night at Chris’s, it was so weird not talking to you. It’s like we’re strangers.”

  “Well, that’s what happens after two people—”

  “There you are,” I hear from behind me. I turn to see Reese at the en
tranceway of the ballroom. “I thought I lost my date.”

  I do my best to snap out of my anger so that she doesn’t notice. “Hey, Reese. Sorry. I’m ready. See you, Mark,” I say to him before rejoining the group.

  I’m thankful that she interrupted our conversation. I don’t want to know what else Mark would have said to me.

  Although the dance is almost over, I’ve still got a long night ahead of me. After prom comes After-Prom. I’d much rather go straight home to be alone with my thoughts, but I guess it’s better to have some more distractions for the night.

  After the dance finishes up, the crew and I make a pit stop at Kelly’s to change clothes before heading to Dave and Buster’s for the After-Prom celebration. The whole place is rented out for us, and it actually looks like a lot of fun.

  I start off at the mini basketball game, where I maintain a long winning streak before being knocked out by a fellow classmate. Next, I catch up with some friends outside of my prom group and play skee ball.

  As I’m playing, I hear the most terrible singer belting out some ’90s song. After scanning the room, I find the source of the wretched sound: karaoke. I immediately head that direction to find a couple of my theater friends going through the songbook.

  “Hey guys,” I say to them.

  “What’s up, Brendan?” Beth says. “Should Dave and I do Christina Aguilera or Stacie Orrico?”

  “You’re forgetting about our favorite singer.” Beth and I share the same obsession with Kelly Clarkson. We both saw her in concert last year with a couple others.

  “You do Kelly!” she says.

  “I was going to anyway.” I laugh.

  Apparently karaoke isn’t too popular tonight because after Beth and Dave belt out their Christina song, it’s my turn.

  “Since U Been Gone” is my go-to karaoke track, but it’s never felt more appropriate than it does tonight. As I’m singing, I see Reese and Kara join the small crowd of spectators. Kara shakes her head while smiling at me. I give her a wink.