Bottled Up Secret Read online

  Then the big question hits me: How have I not once worried about Eva finding out about us? She’s sixteen. If anyone in Mark’s family were to figure it out, it would be her.

  I wonder if she had suspicions before tonight. Maybe she did and kept them to herself because she likes me and was happy that Mark and I are together. No. Her face tonight was pure shock. Thank God he and I were just kissing. It could have been much worse.

  I stay up late that night, waiting for something from Mark. As if I could have fallen asleep anyway. By one in the morning, I give up. I think about calling him but decide to give him space and let him sleep. Hopefully we’ll feel better in the morning.

  By two the next day, I still hadn’t heard from him. I pick up the phone and call him. He doesn’t answer. I try to distract myself while I wait for him to call me back.

  A couple of hours later, my phone finally rings.

  “Hi, Mark.”

  “Hey.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Um…no, not really.”

  “What happened?” I ask. “Did you talk to Eva?”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “Is she going to tell your parents?”

  “No, I don’t think so. She said she wouldn’t.”

  “Good.”

  “Brendan…” Oh no. I know what he’s going to say. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” I try to think of something to say that will convince him otherwise, but I can’t form a thought. “It’s just too much. I didn’t know what to say to Eva. If we keep dating, who knows who will find out next? My parents? I would have no idea what to say to them.”

  “You could tell them the truth,” I say, trying not to sound as frustrated as I am. “I know that sounds ridiculous to you but, Mark, you’re happy with me. If your parents were to find out about us, maybe they would be okay with it.

  “Look,” I continue, “the last time we talked about this, you said that our situations are different, and you’re right. I’m not denying that. But my gosh, Mark. You’re preventing yourself from being happy.” I hear my voice get louder as I keep talking.

  “You’re right, Brendan, I am. But I didn’t know what the hell to say to Eva.” His volume matches mine. “She asked me if I’m gay and I…didn’t know what to say.”

  “You say that you don’t know because that’s the truth, but what you do know is that you like me. That’s all that matters right now.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “I wish it were that simple, but it’s not.”

  “It can be if you stop letting outside distractions get in the way.”

  “My sister walking in on us is not a distraction. It’s a big deal. Look, the bottom line is what just happened with Eva…I can’t imagine that happening with my parents or friends or cousins or anyone else in my life. I’m not ready for that. I can’t risk it. I’m sorry.”

  “I knew this was going to happen,” I say quietly, admitting defeat. “I knew that you were going to reach your breaking point and give up.”

  “Brendan, put yourself in my shoes.”

  “I have. For the past couple months I’ve constantly been looking out for you and trying to keep our relationship under wraps. I’ve also been blowing off my friends for you because I knew we couldn’t all hang out together.”

  “I know. And I’m sorry about that.”

  “I’m not saying that I don’t understand. I’m just annoyed and frustrated, and when it finally hits me that we’re no longer together…”

  “I know.”

  I feel my eyes swell, but I don’t want him to hear me cry. I never let anyone see me cry. Heck, I never cry. “All right, I’m going to go.”

  “I’m sorry, Brendan.”

  After hanging up, I let it all out. I can’t remember the last time I cried, but it makes me feel better, as if I’m releasing all of my frustration and sadness.

  Our relationship has been nothing but great. Even our breakup conversation was mature and respectful. I always hoped that his feelings for me would be stronger than his fear of our being found out. I guess that’s not the case.

  I stay in my room for the night, hiding my emotions from my mom. After a light dinner, I go to bed early, hoping that sleep will help. I normally hate Mondays, but I’m looking forward to tomorrow so that I can get back into a routine that will hopefully distract me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The next week is a blur. I go through school and rehearsal, but I don’t feel present at all. I don’t have enough energy to fake a smile, and my friends immediately notice. They ask me if everything is okay; I say yes. They ask me if something is wrong; I say no. They tell me that I seem really down; I tell them that I’m just tired.

  I’m thankful to go through the entire school week without seeing Mark. Looking down while walking through the halls helped. Maybe I even passed him without knowing.

  My mom notices my shift in attitude too. “What’s wrong with you?” she asks me exactly one week after the incident.

  “Nothing.”

  “Are you mad at me?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well then, what’s going on?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Are you going out with your friends tonight?”

  I stayed in the night before and have been lounging around the house the whole day. I really should try to be social tonight. I can’t remember the last time I stayed in on a Friday and Saturday.

  “Maybe,” I answer.

  I can tell my mom is still concerned, but she doesn’t push any farther. My sadness mixes with anger as I realize that having to hide my relationship with Mark from my mom added significant strain and stress. Mark wasn’t ready to tell his parents about us, but after meeting them, I honestly think that they might have accepted our relationship. Had my mom found out about us, it would have been even more bad news.

  I start to think that our relationship was doomed from the start. No couple can last if they have to hide it from virtually everyone in their lives, especially when they still live with people from whom they have to hide it.

  Someone was going to find out. Some of my friends were already on our trail. Who knows how much longer they would have needed before they got their proof?

  Although I’m frustrated with Mark for ending things, I also feel bad for him. He wasn’t ready for anyone to know about us and now his only sister knows. I don’t know whether she’ll keep her word and not tell her parents, but my guess is she will.

  A few hours later, after agreeing to go to Kara’s house tonight to hang out, I manage to shower and look presentable—at least not totally depressed. By the time I arrive at Kara’s, I’m actually feeling slightly better. If anyone is going to help improve my mood, it’s her and my other friends.

  Since Kara is the only one I’m able to talk to about Mark, I arrive at her place early to give us some time before the others arrive. Of course we spoke on the phone earlier this week, but it’s nice to have an in-person therapy session with her.

  She does her best to reassure me everything will be okay. She helps me understand this wasn’t my fault. I kept my loyalty to him and did my best to be discreet. What happened was out of my control, so there’s no blame on me.

  “Honestly, Brendan, I was curious how long you were going to be able to keep your relationship hidden,” she says. “You two have too many people who are close to you. Someone was bound to find out eventually.”

  “You’re right. We had to keep that secret bottled up, and each time someone became suspicious, whether it was Chris seeing my text to Mark or Natalie seeing us at lunch, the secret got shaken up. Keeping the lid on it became harder.”

  “And with Eva spotting you two, the pressure finally became too much.”

  I nod. “Kaboom.”

  I feel a lot better after talking with her, but I have one question that I feel pathetic even asking.

  “There’s no way he’d be willing to date again.” I say it as a statement, but Kara k
nows that I’m looking for her opinion.

  “I don’t know, Brendan. He took a chance with you and went with his feelings. After this, I think he’s going to use his brain. But I don’t know. You know him a lot better than I do.”

  “I think you’re right. He’s probably kicking himself for ever dating me in the first place.”

  “No.”

  “No, I’m not saying that in a self-deprecating way. But now that his sister knows, he probably wishes he had never told me he liked me. If he had just played it safe and suppressed his feelings, he would have never had to deal with this mess.”

  She nods in understanding. “So have you not talked to him at all since you broke up?”

  “No.”

  “Like, not even a text?”

  “You know I hate texting. And Mark and I didn’t text that much. If we did, it would be during school. Otherwise, we would just call each other. Would you have ever predicted that I’d be this torn up over a breakup? I’m usually so emotionless.”

  “I know. Hearing you cry on the phone this week was so weird. I had never heard or seen you cry in my life.”

  “I needed a release. The breakup combined with the issues I’ve had with my mom combined with the stress of trying to keep everything a secret…”

  “Combined with the stress of trying to pick a college,” she says.

  “It’s been a crazy couple of months.”

  I switch topics because I’m sure Kara can only take so much of my analyzing. She starts to tell me about her week, but the doorbell rings. Kelly has arrived.

  I keep my spirits up the rest of the night, apparently convincing Kelly and the others that I’m okay. Hanging out and laughing with everyone helps more than I expected. I miss Mark a lot, but I’m fortunate to have such a great group of friends.

  I try to spend the next few weeks with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. It’s time to get back to my normal self. Plus, I need to keep my spirits and energy high because I have a busy couple of weeks coming up.

  Next weekend is our musical, which means long nights of rehearsal all week. Then, two days after closing night, tennis season starts. Also not too far off is attending prom at St. Mary’s with Reese. She wasn’t able to convince her work crush to go with her. Mark will also be going with one of his friends. Let’s just say I’m not exactly looking forward to it. Regardless, I’m hoping my busy schedule will keep my mind off him.

  *

  I’ve made some progress in forgetting about Mark, but I’m not as successful as I had hoped. The truth is I still miss him. I don’t understand why I can’t get past it. I know I’ve never been in a relationship before, but if someone had asked me a few months ago if it would be easy for me to move on after a breakup with someone, I would have said absolutely. Before I met Mark, I was perfectly happy with my solitude. I like my alone time and not having to answer to anyone. Yet here I am, feeling like something is now missing from my life, a void that only Mark can fill.

  What’s that expression? It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? That’s crap. Then you’re just stuck with the memories of when you used to be happy. Memories that are so vivid, you wonder if they’ll ever fade at all.

  I still haven’t talked to Mark since our phone conversation the day after the Eva incident. If he were to reach out to me at some point, today would be the day. It’s my eighteenth birthday. I’m not expecting anything, but I can’t lie—a part of me is hoping for some form of communication from him. It’s false hope, I know.

  Today is also the last day of rehearsal for the school musical before opening night this weekend. Man, it’s flown by. Fortunately, the rehearsal goes really well. I’ve been part of multiple shows where the cast does not feel ready going into the final week of rehearsals. For this show, however, we all feel great and are more than ready to finally get in front of an audience.

  I walk out to my car after rehearsal and see that it has been vandalized with spray paint, signs, and glitter. My friends have been here.

  “You’re 18! You can finally buy lottery tickets!” one sign reads. Another one has “Happy Birthday” written in huge letters with about a dozen signatures from friends and acquaintances at the bottom. Everywhere I look I see reminders of why I have the best friends.

  By the time I get home, I’m starving. Fortunately, my mom already has a steak cooking for me. A few minutes later, as I am about to take my first bite, I hear my front door open, followed by multiple footsteps. What the heck? I see that it’s my usual crew of friends. The five of them are dressed in all black with pantyhose over their heads.

  “Let’s go!” Natalie shouts at me, wanting me to get up and follow them. Apparently I’m being kidnapped. I’m excited to see where they are going to take me, but my stomach refuses to let me get up.

  “You guys, I am so hungry right now. Please let me eat something, and then I’m all yours.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Natalie says.

  “Ten minutes. I’ll eat fast.”

  They take off their pantyhose and sit down at the table to watch me eat. I scarf down my food and allow them to blindfold me before pushing me into Kelly’s car while I hear a Kelly Clarkson song blaring through the speakers.

  Ten minutes later I am brought out of the car and walked into an unknown place. I’m trying to think where they could have taken me. Bowling? Karaoke? No, it’s too quiet.

  My blindfold is finally lifted, and I see that we are in a local dessert place, Chocoholic, which has great ice cream. Yum. I’m all for dessert right now.

  Shortly after sitting down, the topic of college comes up.

  “Brendan, when are you going to pick a freakin’ school?” Reese asks me. “I want to know if I’m going to have you at Ohio State next year.”

  “I know. I have until May first, but I’ll decide in the next couple weeks. It’s giving me too much anxiety to wait any longer.”

  “But you’ve narrowed it down to OSU and Georgetown, right?” Kelly asks.

  “Yep.”

  All of my friends have already chosen their destinations for next year. Reese and Kelly will be attending Ohio State, Natalie will be about an hour’s drive from there at Ohio University, and Kara will be at Northwestern. Chris, of course, will be finishing his senior year of high school.

  “All right, Brendan,” Natalie says, “your favorite birthday memory. Go.”

  I take a few seconds to think about it. “I think you’re looking at it.”

  “Stop,” Natalie says.

  “Seriously! I’m here with all of my closest friends, who took time to decorate my car today and plan a kidnapping.”

  “I feel like it’s been hard for us all to get together this year,” Reese says. “Unless it was someone’s birthday or something, one of us always seemed to be busy.”

  Guilty. Once Mark and I started dating, I definitely became a lot less available.

  “Well, it’s going to get even harder once we go to college,” Kelly says. “Then after that, it will be weddings that will bring us together, not birthdays.”

  “Dear God, I can’t think about that,” Kara says.

  “Why not?” Chris says. “You’re going to be first.”

  “No, no, no,” she says.

  “I’m going to be in your weddings, right?” I ask them.

  “Yeah, you and Chris are going to be my best gays,” Natalie says.

  “Oh my gosh.” I laugh. “Seriously, if I were to get married today, you would all be my bridesmaids, and Chris, my groomsman.”

  “I can’t have a guy be in my wedding party,” Kelly says.

  “Why not?” Kara asks.

  “Because the girls stand with the bride, the guys with the groom.”

  “That’s not a rule,” Kara says.

  “It’s your wedding,” Reese says. “You can do whatever the hell you want.”

  “Not in the Catholic Church,” Kelly says.

  “What are they going to do?” Reese as
ks. “Stop the wedding?”

  “It’s just weird.”

  “If your best friend is a guy,” I say, “why wouldn’t you have him standing by your side on your most important day?”

  “All right, all right, I get it,” Kelly says. “Agree to disagree.”

  “That’s just annoying,” I continue. “It’s not like I’d be close to your husband so I wouldn’t be in his wedding party.”

  “Dude,” she says.

  “Sorry, I’m done now.”

  “Did I strike a nerve?”

  “Apparently,” I say, laughing.

  “Well, I’m not going to get married so don’t worry, Brendan,” Natalie says.

  “That’s a lie,” Kara says.

  Toward the end of the night, Kelly pulls me aside. “I hope you’re not mad about what I said earlier,” she says. “It doesn’t take away anything from our friendship.”

  “No, I know. I got upset because almost all my close friends are girls, and I wouldn’t want to miss out on stuff just because I’m a guy. And my attitude is always, ‘Who cares what people think? Do whatever you want.’”

  “I understand. Let’s be real—we’re eighteen. This is ridiculous to even talk about. Who knows what will happen?”

  “Good point.”

  Why did this strike such a nerve with me? I think that not having Mark has made me appreciate my friendships even more. Without them, I’d feel like I have nothing. So hearing Kelly say that she would never have me in her wedding made me question the bond that I have with her and my other girlfriends.

  I know Natalie joked about Chris and me being her “best gays,” but I would never want to be seen as an accessory. My bond with her and everyone else goes much deeper.

  I feel pathetic for saying this, but by the time I get home that night, I’m bothered by the fact that Mark hasn’t contacted me at all today. But it makes sense. I wouldn’t wish him a happy birthday. It’s yet another reminder that he and I are done.

  *

  A couple days later brings the opening night of Anything Goes. The excitement I get from a show opening is indescribable. Months of hard work pay off as you hear the applause and laughter from the crowd. Songs, dances, and scenes that have become monotonous during the last few weeks of rehearsal suddenly feel fresh now that an audience is watching.