Bottled Up Secret Read online

  As I finish the last line, my friends erupt in applause. Man, I feel good. All I needed was a three-minute therapy session with Kelly to turn my attitude around.

  After singing, I bounce around to a few more games, collecting an obscene number of tickets, which I use to buy a squirt gun and stuffed animal. I’ll never use either.

  A little later, Reese and I say our good-byes before getting into my car. We start to talk about the night, sharing some funny moments, but after a pause, she asks, “Are you okay?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  She’s not convinced. “Brendan, it’s easy to tell when something’s bothering you. You become super quiet. You seem fine now, but something was up at the dance. I’m not trying to pry, but I’m here if you want to talk.” I don’t say anything. “And I think I know what it’s about,” she adds.

  “What?” I ask, intrigued.

  “Mark.”

  I look over at her. “Mark what?” I’m more curious than anything.

  “Well, that’s a good question.” She laughs. “But on my birthday, when Natalie and Chris were grilling you about him, I could tell you were hiding something. And then walking into your conversation with him tonight, it felt very tense.” I nod but don’t say anything. “Are you guys dating…or…?”

  “No…but we did.”

  “Say what? For how long?”

  “A couple months. It started right after New Year’s.”

  Reese continues to drill me. Why couldn’t you tell anyone? Why did you break up? What did you talk about with him tonight? I give her all the details.

  “So no one else knows about you two?” she asks.

  “Well…” I say before laughing.

  “If you even say ‘Kara’…”

  “You can’t get mad at me. I’m sad and depressed, remember?”

  “All right, that’s it,” she says, pretending to sound fed up.

  “I begged Mark to let me tell her. And she knew the most about the situation so she would have been the hardest to fool,” I explain as I pull into Reese’s driveway.

  “Well listen, talk to me if you need to vent, or scream, or get milkshakes or whatever.”

  I laugh. “Milkshakes always do the trick.”

  “But seriously, are you okay? I’m sure tonight wasn’t easy.”

  “I’m okay. Honestly. Tonight just rattled me a little bit.”

  “Well, keep me posted on the whole situation.”

  I nod. “Thanks for taking me tonight. I had a lot of fun.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  About a week and a half after the dance, I’m shocked when I receive a text from Mark, asking me if we can meet up to talk. I immediately get nervous as I try to think of the reason he wants to get together. I’m guessing he wants to apologize for how everything went down with us and may even ask if we can be friends.

  I don’t know if I can go through with it. Talking to him for two minutes at prom was enough to make me go crazy for a little while. If it’s a continuation of our conversation that night, I may not want to know what he has to say.

  I don’t respond for a few hours, but ultimately I agree to meet him. I appreciate his directness, and although hearing what he has to say might be tough, I’d rather know for sure what’s on his mind as opposed to going crazy trying to figure it out on my own.

  Later that evening, he and I meet to get some ice cream, an activity that can be very quick if need be. We start with small talk as we wait in line, but by the time we sit down at an outside table, it’s time to get to business.

  “First off, thank you for meeting with me,” he says.

  “No problem.”

  “I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll jump into it. I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m even going to start this, but first I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you and for not being strong enough to keep going with our relationship. And I’m sorry for waiting this long to talk to you. You put up with a lot of crap—hiding it from your friends even though they know you’re gay and would be happy for you, hiding it from your mom. I’m—”

  “Well, my mom wasn’t your fault. I would have hidden it from her no matter who I was dating.”

  “I know, but I’m sure it was hard for you to juggle all of it, especially knowing that I was so paranoid toward the end.”

  I nod to agree with him. “It’s okay. I appreciate the apology.”

  “You don’t how much I wish I could just live my life and not care about what everyone thinks about me. And I’ve tried to convince myself these past few weeks, but I don’t know.”

  “It’s okay. We don’t need to rehash everything.” The more he talks, the sadder I get. I’ve spent the last couple months trying to bury my feelings. I don’t want to dig them up.

  “I know, but wait. I have to tell you the other day, I was thinking about the night Eva saw us.”

  “Oh, hell,” I say, giving up. He clearly needs to get this stuff off his chest. “Fond memories. Continue.”

  He laughs. “But I wasn’t thinking about the moment she saw us. I was thinking about the moments before that, when we were talking and kissing in my basement. And I was thinking about how happy I was in those moments.

  “When Eva caught us, I thought my world was going to come crashing down. But it didn’t. She never told my parents and my life went on. If I had known at that moment that everything was going to be okay, I wouldn’t have let you go. At the time, I felt I had no other choice. What I’ve realized since then is that I really want you back in my life. And I asked you to meet me today to see if there’s any way you’d consider taking me back.”

  I stare at him expressionless, trying to comprehend what he’s asking me.

  “Because, Brendan,” he continues, “these past few weeks, I have missed you so much. I guarantee you that I’ve missed you more than you’ve missed me. And it’s ridiculous because I’m the one who’s preventing myself from being happy, just like you told me.

  “That’s because I’m battling between the desire to be with you and the fear that people will find out. That fear is still there and very strong, but what I’ve realized these last couple weeks is that my desire to be with you is much stronger. So I could remove you from my life along with the fear of anyone finding out about us, or I could keep you in my life and deal with the obstacles when they arise.”

  “Wow,” I say.

  “That’s what you said after I told you I liked you in January.”

  “I don’t know what’s caught me more off guard—that moment or this one.”

  His outpouring overwhelms me. I was honestly not expecting this. I don’t even know where to begin.

  “Okay, first off,” I start, “I appreciate the honesty, and I accept your apology. And I don’t want you to feel bad about it. I knew what I was getting into when we started dating, and I understood that our relationship was going to be a secret from everyone.

  “And if you’re going to be honest, I might as well too,” I continue. “The past couple months have been rough. Time has helped, but I still feel a void I didn’t have before I met you. But, Mark, why couldn’t you have told me this a month ago? Or better yet, two months ago?”

  “I know. I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to come to this realization.”

  “I have very mixed feelings right now. A part of me is thrilled, but I wish you had said, ‘I want to be with you and I don’t care who knows.’ If we were to date again, how would it be different? What if people find out about us? Heck, Reese already figured us out.”

  “What? How?”

  “Walking in our conversation at prom was the final piece of the puzzle for her.”

  “Okay, yeah, that was my fault,” he says. “As for the possibility of other people figuring it out, I’ve thought about this a lot. Honestly, Brendan, it would depend on the circumstance. With Eva, there was nothing I could do; she caught us red-handed. With Reese, I don’t really mind. She’s not going to go around telling peo
ple. But let’s say someone at school were to find out and ask me about it. I’d probably deny it and laugh it off.”

  “And then would you start freaking out and end things with me again? I just want us to both be realistic about this. The same elements would be working against us.”

  “I totally understand,” he says. “But I see it as…it’s a matter of days until we’re done with school. Then it’s summer break, which will give us so much more freedom to hang out. You won’t have to lie to your friends every weekend about why you’re busy because you and I could see each other any night of the week. And then you leave for college, so it would be much harder for people to figure things out then.”

  “That’s true,” I say. “Although it adds a new complication of long distance.” I look down to gather my thoughts.

  “What are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking that I need to think about this.”

  “Absolutely. Look, I came here tonight with no expectations. Do you need any more information from me to help you decide?”

  I laugh. “I don’t think so. I want to sort out my thoughts.”

  “Well, can I say one more thing while I have the chance?” he asks. “Whatever you decide, I want you to know how thankful I am that you came into my life. I can’t say enough good things about you, and I will always want only the best for you. You’re a really special guy.”

  “Are you trying to sway my decision?”

  “No!” He laughs. “I just don’t know if I’ll have another opportunity to tell you how I feel.”

  Our conversation is over, but we’ve barely started eating our ice cream. I’m not sure what to do. After a few seconds of silence, I say, “All right, I’m going to head home.”

  “Don’t go yet,” he quickly says. “We just sat down.”

  “I know, but we talked about what we needed to talk about.”

  “At least finish your ice cream. It’s dangerous to eat while you’re driving.” I crack a slight smile. “Five minutes. That’s all I’m asking for. Let’s just sit and talk. No complications, no guards up. Just two people catching up.”

  “Okay,” I finally agree. “Two months is a lot to catch up on in five minutes.”

  “Let’s start with tennis. What’s the latest?”

  “I won Sectionals. Districts are in two days.”

  “When are States?”

  “Next Friday and Saturday if I qualify.” Mark gives me a glare. “I’ve got to say that to try to appear humble.”

  “It’s me you’re talking to,” he says. “You’ll win Districts, right? Be honest.”

  “I’ve got it in the bag. And then the State tournament is at Ohio State, so it will be cool to get a preview of where I’ll be living in a few months. I’ve been there before, but I’ll have a different perspective now.”

  “That’s sweet. I’ve actually never seen the campus. Are you going to explore a little bit?”

  “Yeah, definitely. All right, so what’s new with you?” I ask.

  “Well, I’m more than ready for summer. I have a countdown going in my assignment notebook.”

  “Any big summer plans?”

  “Actually, I’m going to Italy with my family in July. We’re going to travel to a few other countries when we’re there too.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  The more Mark and I talk, the more I feel my guard coming down. After a little while, I look at my watch and realize that twenty minutes have gone by, well past the five minutes to which I agreed.

  “Is my time up?” he asks, knowing the answer. I nod. He and I get up and walk to the parking lot.

  “Thanks for meeting with me,” he says. “Seriously. Good luck at Districts. And if I don’t talk to you before States, good luck with that too. I wish I could see you play.”

  “Hey, I’m always happy to have a crowd.”

  “Are your friends going?”

  “I don’t think so. Reese mentioned it, but I doubt she’ll go. All right, Mark, have a good night.”

  “You too. A hug for old time’s sake?” he asks, his arms extended.

  I stare at him, shaking my head, but reach out my arms and give him a quick hug.

  As soon as I get into my car to go home, I call Kara. When faced with a decision that I don’t want to make, I turn to friends and have them decide for me. At least I gather their opinions before deciding. The decision as to whether to take Mark back is no different.

  “Hello?” Kara answers.

  “Emergency. I need your advice.”

  “Okay,” she laughs.

  “I just got ice cream with Mark, and he said that he wants me back. I don’t know what to do.”

  “As if I do?”

  “Yes. You know me better than I know myself.”

  “Okay, first tell me your reaction to this.”

  “It’s interesting. Part of me is thrilled because I’ve missed him so much, and I had so much fun with him when we were together. Even talking to him tonight was so nice. Then part of me is thinking that nothing will change, so it’s not going to end well. He still would want to keep it a secret from everyone.”

  “Well, what prompted him to do this? Didn’t he decide that dating you isn’t worth the risk of people finding out?”

  “He now says that being with me is worth that risk. He likes me too much.”

  “Hmm.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “I don’t know how long you would be able to pull off the whole secret relationship thing. His sister already caught you guys. What happens when his friends or his parents do? He’ll freak out even more.”

  “Get out of my brain, Kara. Those are my thoughts exactly.”

  “And think about a few months from now when you’ll be at Ohio State. You’ll have plenty of guys to choose from. Is your connection with Mark so strong that you want to prevent yourself from seeing what else is out there when you move to Columbus? Obviously, follow your gut. I’m just trying to see the big picture.” After a pause, she adds, “I mean, let’s be honest. You never listen to my advice anyway.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Which way are you leaning on this one?”

  “I’m honestly fifty fifty. The sadness I felt when he and I broke up was awful. I don’t know if I want to risk going through that again.”

  “Well, you could look at it this way…if you two date again, and he panics and breaks up with you, you’ll absolutely be done for good and will be able to officially move on.”

  “So, now you’re telling me I should take him back?”

  “I’m not responsible for this decision. This is all on you. I’m just thinking out loud.”

  “Well, hey, you and Andrew broke up once and you two are good now.”

  “True,” she says hesitantly. “But our reason for breaking up wasn’t the fear that someone would find out about us.”

  I laugh. “All right, thanks for your advice as usual.”

  “Brendan, take time to think about this. There’s no rush. Mark certainly took his time.”

  She’s right. Mark needs to know what it’s like to sweat a little bit. I had to wait a couple months to hear him say he wants to date me again. He can stand to wait a week or so as to whether I feel the same way. Besides, I have bigger things coming up on which I need to focus. Next week is packed with final exams, the state tennis tournament, and graduation.

  Chapter Nineteen

  While deliberating over the next week, I realize that it has become a battle between my heart, which is telling me to date Mark again, and my brain, which is telling me to not even go down that path.

  Fortunately, my deliberation didn’t take my focus off the district tennis tournament. The kid I played in the finals put up a good fight, but other than that, I breezed through all of my matches.

  Today brought my final final exam of my high school career. As I was driving home from my last day on campus, I looked back on the last four years. A part of me feels like they’ve flown by, b
ut at the same time, each year has a distinct place in my memory.

  I see freshman year as sort of a continuation of eighth grade. My friends and I were still without driver’s licenses, and we didn’t really branch out that much when it came to meeting people. For some reason, I remember hanging out in Reese’s basement a lot on the weekends, watching MTV.

  I also remember not having that much confidence. Or rather, I remember being worried about what people thought of me. I think that going to an all-guys school made me feel like no one understood who I was. In grade school, I had all of my close friends with me; at Xavier, I wasn’t close to anyone.

  Sophomore year definitely brought an upswing, at least in my social life. I did the school musical at St. Mary’s, which had the best cast that I’ve ever worked with. I had so much fun and laughed nonstop. School itself, however, was hard. AP US History was almost the death of me, thanks to my teacher.

  And then there’s junior year. Probably the most significant year of my life. Not just because I came to terms with my sexuality, which was definitely important. I also felt like I transitioned from young, naïve teen to mature almost adult. My friends and I faced more serious life events, and as a result, our friendships grew. I also think that I became more confident in who I was and how I felt.

  As for senior year, I can’t help but smile when I think about it. It had its ups and downs, but as a whole, it was the most exciting time of my life. It was also probably the most fun. And this Sunday, when I graduate, it will all come to an end.

  *

  The next night I drive down to Columbus with my mom for the state tennis tournament. The top sixteen players from across the state are brought to this tournament. Our doubles team had a good shot, but they lost in the qualifying round of Districts, so I’m the only one here from my school. Two matches will be played on the first day and two on the second day for those who make it that far.

  Fortunately, when I wake up the next morning, I’m not too nervous. I have a very competitive spirit. I want to win and will try my hardest to do it, but I’m not going to be hard on myself if I don’t.