Bottled Up Secret Read online

  Due to the holidays and finals, it’s been a few weeks since my last lesson. For my audition song, she and I have decided on “Dames” from 42nd Street. I’m sure I could find a better one, but the song fits the style of the show and is good for my range. Before diving into it, I sing a couple other songs to get warmed up.

  After about ten minutes, Linda says to me, “Okay, something is different about you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. You just seem so much more free and relaxed. And happy.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. What is going on?”

  “Nothing. I mean, I’m definitely happy, but nothing’s changed.” Of course I have to lie.

  “All right,” she says. “Well, whatever it is, it’s working for you. It’s like the weight of the world was lifted off your shoulders or something.”

  I can’t believe she senses a change. Mark’s effect on me is stronger than I thought.

  The next day, auditions start shortly after the final bell rings. It’s always exciting and fun to watch everyone sing their hearts out for their desired roles. Some will sound amazing, some will sound awful, and most will sound average. Where will I fall?

  Natalie decides to audition early on—the first time she’s early for anything in her life. She likes to get it over with while I like to scope out the competition first. She does a beautiful rendition of “So In Love” from Kiss Me, Kate. That combined with her tap-dancing skills should secure her a callback for the lead.

  About twenty minutes later, Chris auditions with “Tonight” from West Side Story. He joins Natalie and me in our seats as we watch a girl we don’t know walk up to the stage. She sings a beautiful song that I’ve never heard before and nails it. The girl’s voice is seriously amazing. Chris and I turn to Natalie to see her reaction.

  “Crap,” Natalie says, looking forward.

  “Hopefully she can’t dance?” I say to her.

  “Hopefully seniority plays a factor?” Chris says. “She’s got to be a freshman.”

  “Who was better—me or her?” Natalie asks.

  Chris and I remain silent for a couple seconds, trying to think of what to say.

  “Guys?” Natalie says.

  “You both were great,” I quickly say.

  “And you’re a better dancer,” Chris says. “I’m sure of it.”

  Toward the end of the day, I finally audition. The tempo of the song was faster than I expected, but I still do pretty well. It’s enough to earn me a callback for the next day. Natalie got one as well.

  We show up for callbacks the next day to find only six people there, including us. That’s it? No wonder Chris didn’t get called back.

  Sure enough, the freshman girl with the flawless voice is there. Fortunately for Natalie, she didn’t do so great during the dance portion of yesterday’s audition.

  After doing various readings and songs from the show, we all head home. The process was much quicker than I expected.

  “We’ve got this, right?” I say to Natalie as we leave.

  “You’ve got it. I don’t know about me.”

  “I think we both pulled it off.”

  The director calls us both that night to confirm our hopes.

  I’m really liking this new year so far. I’ve gotten everything I wanted: Mark and I are off to a great start, I have the lead in the play, and I’ve got a great group of colleges to choose from.

  *

  As I’m pouring my usual morning bowl of cereal a few days later, my mom walks into the kitchen for what seems like her usual interrogation.

  “Where did you go last night?” I’m hoping this is part of her normal questioning, but her tone and look make me think she knows something.

  “Just went to dinner and then back to Natalie’s.” Lie. I actually spent the night with Mark and told my friends I had a family thing.

  “Who was there?”

  “The usual crew.”

  “Who?” she asks without skipping a beat.

  “Natalie, Kara, Chris, Reese.” After rattling off four names, I fear that I should have kept it to two or three. I walk into the living room to get away from the conversation, but she follows me.

  “So what do you and your friends do when you hang out?”

  “Talk, laugh, watch TV…”

  “I know what kids your age do,” she says, acting like I’m trying to fool her.

  “What, drink? You know I don’t do that.”

  “I’m sure some of your friends are having sex.”

  Whoa, where did that come from? “Actually, no. We’re all virgins.” Okay, Kara isn’t, but that’s none of my mom’s business.

  “Oh, right. Chris is a virgin?”

  “Yes. I’m being a hundred percent honest.”

  “Well, does he date guys?”

  “Yeah, he has.”

  “Well, how does he know he’s gay?”

  Crap. “I guess he knows who he’s attracted to and that’s guys.”

  Then suddenly, she asks, “So, are you gay?”

  My heart has been beating so fast it feels like it finally gave out. I’m speechless as I make a split-second decision. I could tell her now and never have to worry about it ever again, or I could lie and postpone this conversation until I’m prepared for it.

  “Yeah,” I respond, seemingly involuntarily. As soon as the word comes out of my mouth, the tears start to fall from her eyes.

  “But I don’t want you to be gay.” As she is sitting across from me, I keep thinking that this isn’t real. How is this happening right now? I can’t come up with a response, so she continues. “So have you acted on this?”

  “Yeah,” I say with no hesitation. What the hell am I doing? “Just kissing,” I quickly add. Hey, it’s the truth.

  “No. This needs to stop.”

  “Okay.” Dear God, get me out of this conversation.

  “I mean, don’t you think that this is wrong?”

  “No. I can’t control who I’m attracted to.”

  “I think you’re confused.”

  “Okay.”

  “So your friends know?”

  “My close friends, yeah.”

  “Okay, well, you’re not telling any of your sisters.”

  As if I could handle this conversation with any of them. “Okay. I’m going to the gym.” The only way to get out of this situation is to physically remove myself.

  “Don’t be telling your friends about this talk,” she adds as I head upstairs to change.

  As soon as I get into my car, my phone is to my ear, ringing Natalie.

  “Hola,” she answers.

  “Natalie,” I say in a serious tone.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I was just talking to my mom…”

  “Oh no. She knows?”

  “She does now.”

  “Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Where are you now?”

  “Driving nowhere.”

  “Come to my house.”

  “Okay.”

  Knowing I’ll probably have to see Natalie’s parents, I pull myself together and prepare to put on a smile. Before I can get to the door, Natalie opens it.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “What do you need? Junk food? Water?”

  “No, I’m fine. Thanks.” She and I slip into her basement. I’m not sure where her parents are, but I’m glad I don’t have to make small talk with them.

  “Okay, what happened?” she asks.

  “First she starts asking me about my night and where I went.” Oh, no. I realize that as far as Natalie knows, I was with family last night. I quickly move the story along so she doesn’t have time to interrupt. After a few minutes, my recap is done.

  “Gosh, I’m sorry,” she says. “I think this was just her immediate reaction and it will get better with time. She’s in shock now.”

  “Yeah, I hear you. It’s still going to be so awkward at home.”

  “So wait, what did you do last night? I thought y
ou stayed in.”

  “Um…” I try to think of a lie but can’t come up with one that Natalie would actually believe.

  “Brendan? You lied to me?”

  “Crap. Yes. I went out with someone, but I can’t tell you who it was.”

  “What? A date?”

  “You could say that.”

  “Do I know him?”

  My hesitation answers the question.

  “Who is it?” she asks.

  “Natalie, I can’t say. Seriously, I would never betray his trust. He isn’t out to anyone, and I can’t be responsible for telling people.”

  “So was this a first date, or have you been seeing him a while?”

  “Just a first date. And it’s probably going to be the last. It was kind of dull.”

  “You’re killing me here.”

  “I know. It’s really not that juicy, though. You wouldn’t care much.” Another lie to try to get her to lay off the subject. I can’t risk her investigating in case I give away too much.

  Natalie and I chat for another half hour or so before I tell her I should get back home. She’s made me feel a lot better, but the one person I really want to see right now is Mark.

  While Natalie and I were talking, I was slyly texting him to see if he could meet me somewhere to talk. I’m not ready to face my mom yet, and I can’t risk talking to him on the phone at home.

  After leaving Natalie’s, I head straight to Starbucks to meet him. I already texted him that my mom found out, so when I arrive at the coffee shop, he is standing inside, ready to comfort me.

  “Hi,” I say after opening the door. “Hug me.”

  We are always discreet in public because God knows if we’ll run into someone we know, but today I don’t care. He gives me a tight hug and rubs my back with his hands.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “Yes. I’ll tell you about it when we sit down.”

  After getting our drinks and finding a table in the back, naturally, I recap the conversation between my mom and me.

  “So I don’t get it. What prompted her to ask?” he says.

  “Good question. I think it’s a combination of reasons. One, she’s realizing that I’ve gone through four years of high school without showing an ounce of interest in a girl. Plus most of my friends are girls or gay guys. Also, she knows that Chris and I are close and that he’s out. She’s finally facing what’s been in front of her my whole life.”

  “Man, I’m sorry. Do you think she’s on to us?”

  “No, I think this conversation would have happened today regardless of our situation. It’s just bad timing. I didn’t want to have to deal with this yet.”

  “I know. Did she ask if you’re dating anyone?”

  I smile. “You’re worried, aren’t you?”

  “No, no, I’m just wondering if she dug any further…okay, yes, I’m slightly worried.”

  “No, she didn’t ask me that, but she did ask if I ever acted on my attractions and I said yes because I’m an idiot.”

  He laughs. “Brendan. See, you’re not used to lying to your mom, so you suck at it.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Do you think she’s going to be super strict now? Especially since she probably thinks you’re ‘acting on it’ all around town.”

  “I don’t know. I’ll need to make sure my alibis are airtight if I’m hanging out with you alone…which brings me to a question I have for you.”

  “You’re putting on your charming smile. That means you want something from me.”

  “Correct. Okay, obviously my friends don’t know about us. However, it would be so much easier if I could let Kara in on the secret. First off, I might go insane if I keep it in any longer. Partly because I like you a lot, and I want to share that with her. But also, I really think I’ll need to vent to someone other than you when it comes to my mom and hiding our relationship from her and all that. I don’t want to put that all on you.”

  He’s about to say something, but I cut him off. “Also—and this is the main reason I want to tell her—it will be so much easier to lie to my mom if I know Kara will cover for me. Kara will always be a reliable alibi.

  “So for example,” I continue, “if I see a movie with you but tell my mom I went with Kara, I can tell Kara, ‘By the way, I told my mom that you and I are seeing a movie together tonight if she happens to call you or something.’”

  He nods, understanding. “I hear you.”

  “And I know what you’re thinking. Are we sure Kara can keep this a secret? The girl is a lockbox. I could tell her anything, and she wouldn’t betray my trust. I think it’s partly because she doesn’t care enough to tell other people.”

  “Are you sure? Because, Brendan, if it gets back to Chris or someone else at school…”

  “I know. It would suck. I promise you one million percent that she wouldn’t tell anyone. There’s a bigger risk in having someone see us here right now.”

  “Speaking of, I thought the girl sitting behind you is my neighbor, but I think I’m wrong.” He leans to his right to take a peek over my shoulder. I laugh.

  “Okay, back to this,” he says. “You trust Kara…I trust you…so yes, you can tell her.”

  “Thank you,” I sigh.

  “Wait a minute, has she known this whole time but you just didn’t tell me?”

  “No, I swear. So how should I tell her? Send her a picture of us kissing?”

  He stares at me, not amused. “Then instead of sending it to Kara, you accidently send it to your sister or something.”

  “Eek. Well, on a serious note, Mark, today has been rough and talking with you has been really nice. You helped me laugh in a tough situation.”

  “I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Give me an update tonight on how the rest of the day goes with your mom,” he says, placing his hands on my legs underneath the table.

  “I will. It’s tough because it’s just her and me at home, you know? No one’s around to buffer the situation.” He looks on with his adorable face and glowing eyes. “I really want to kiss you right now,” I say, not expecting him to go with it. “Just a quick one.”

  He looks over my shoulder again at the girl who may or may not be his neighbor. “All right, let’s do it,” he says, apparently convinced it’s not her.

  My eyes widen. “Really?”

  “You’ve had a rough day.”

  I smile and lean in to kiss him. After a few seconds, I pull back.

  “One more,” he whispers, his eyes still closed.

  I laugh and lean in again to give one more kiss. After chatting for a little while longer, Mark and I say good-bye, and I head back to reality. On my way home, I call Kara. Mark has a soccer game tonight, so I think it’s a perfect time to tell Kara about him and me.

  “Hello?” I hear from the other end of the line.

  “Brace yourself, Kara.”

  “What?”

  “Are you free tonight? Because I have a couple things to tell you.”

  “I’m free. Is this bigger than your coming out to me?”

  “Um…”

  “Come on.”

  “Okay, maybe not quite. Well, first off, I won’t go into details now, but my mom asked me if I’m gay today and I said yes.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, so I’ll tell you about that, but then I have other news as well, which is more fun.”

  “And I have to wait until tonight to find out? Why do you love surprises so much?”

  I laugh. “I don’t know. Can we just hang at your place?”

  “Sure. I’m going to work out and shower. Does seven work?”

  “Perfect. See you then.”

  I come home to find an empty house. Thank God. I’m still not ready to face my mom, although I know I’ll never be ready. I’m hoping to leave before she gets back.

  After showering, I make some pasta for dinner. While I’m cooking, the door leading from the garage to the kitchen opens and my mom walks in with grocerie
s.

  Neither of us says hi. “Can you put these away?” I stop stirring my pasta to put the groceries away. After another minute of silence, she chimes in with, “What are you doing tonight?”

  “Going to Kara’s.”

  “Okay, well listen, I don’t want you talking to your friends about our conversation today.” Apparently she doesn’t remember she already told me that.

  “Okay.”

  “Who’s going over there?”

  “Just me.”

  She walks away. Cooking and eating occupies the next twenty minutes of my time. Fortunately, after that, it’s almost time to head out.

  I arrive at Kara’s a few minutes early. She greets me in sweats and a T-shirt.

  “Aw, you dressed up for me,” I say.

  “I know. You like it?”

  We walk into her living room so I can greet her parents. They’ve always been so nice to me. Even though Kara hasn’t said anything to them, I think they know I’m not a threat to their daughter.

  “Well, look who it is,” her dad says.

  “Hi, Brendan,” her mom follows.

  “Hello, how are you guys?”

  “We’re good,” Kara’s mom says. “So Kara tells us that you still haven’t decided on a school for next year.”

  “No. I’m waiting until the last minute. I have trouble committing, apparently.”

  “Well, that’s all right,” Kara’s dad says. “Kara is the same way. We’re still waiting for her to decide.”

  Kara is debating whether to go to Northwestern or Cornell. She and I have always competed when it comes to academics. A part of me feels like I need to go to an equally prestigious school so that she doesn’t show me up.

  I would never tell her this, but I actually think she’s smarter than I am…barely. She beat me on the SAT, but I’m superior when it comes to the ACT. It’s cool because we have opposite strengths. If we combined my math score with her verbal score, we’d be brilliant.

  “I’m hoping she goes with Northwestern,” I say. “I’m much more likely to visit Chicago with my sisters there.”

  “All right, we’re going to go downstairs,” Kara says to her parents, eager to end the conversation.

  “All right,” her mom says. “Well, Kara, offer Brendan something to eat.”